


Stop the World (And Let Me Off)

by EzzyDean



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Break Ups and Moving On, Gen, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 06:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6108117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzzyDean/pseuds/EzzyDean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you've spent what feels like your whole life as part of a set how do you keep going when you're suddenly alone?</p><p>Month by month, day by day, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other even if you have no idea where it will lead you.</p><p>(AKA:  Suga and Daichi break up!!!   What happens next will shock you!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> don't let the summary fool you this is not a funny fic. there are funny moments but overall this isn't humorous.
> 
> i'm not really sorry.
> 
> this is like 40% Ry's fault and 60% my own
> 
> *shrug*
> 
> Also [ here ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu0F6fvZVtGLVU-a83c888tUGb_enixmI) is the playlist that Ry and I made up that was, more or less, the inspiration for this thing.

January is when it starts.

In all honestly when he looks back he knows he’ll see it started before then.  But January is when he finally lets himself realize it.  Lets all the absent touches and gaps between words come to the surface.  When he acknowledges that the tiny cracks between them are, in fact, canyons.  When the cool wind bites at his cheeks and slips under his jacket.  When the skies turn grey and stay that way for days on end, both in his mind and outside his apartment window.

Their apartment window, technically.  Though these days Koushi is realizing that the rooms feel more and more like it’s all him here.  Like his personality is taking over and drowning out any hints of Daichi in the rooms.  Like the essence of “them” is somehow breaking back down into it’s parts.  Breaking back down into spaces that are distinctly Koushi and distinctly Daichi, though it’s been so long that he’s finding it hard to figure who that “Koushi” really is now.

“Hey, Dai.”  He smiles when Daichi shuffles into the living room and rubs at his stomach sleepily.  “Good morning.”

“Mornin’.”

The wind rattles at the windows, makes the windowpanes shudder and shiver in place as Koushi burrows himself into the oversized sweater he nabbed out of Daichi’s side of the closet and sips at his tea.

Koushi draws his knees to his chest, carefully settling his off-white mug on the top of one knee, and watches over the other as Daichi pokes through the cupboards on autopilot with his eyes half closed, pulls out one of their off-white mugs, and digs around for his own tea.  It always makes Koushi smile to see Daichi still mostly asleep as he goes about his morning routine.  But Koushi’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes because while this image of Daichi usually fills him with contentment there’s been a bubble of worry in his mind lately.  Every scene of Daichi that plays out before him feels tinged with a pale shade of wrongness, just the slightest flicker at the edges of his vision that something’s not quite right.

Something’s not quite right between them and that scares him a little.

It’s a splinter under his skin and he can’t leave it alone.  He watches Daichi, pokes at each memory and interaction of the last few months, lets that splinter fester and throb as the skies stay grey and bitter snowflakes bite at his cheeks every time he leaves the apartment.

Something is bothering Daichi.

They’ve never really kept secrets but something about the way Daichi carries himself, the weight of his words and the stillness in his eyes when they land on Koushi, makes Koushi cautious and he’s holding his breath after his sentences and biting his lips to keep his thoughts reined in without even realizing he’s doing it.

They’re drifting apart, a cold wind blowing between them and leaving Koushi shivering as he feels Daichi getting further and further from him each day.

They don’t keep secrets from each other and that’s why when Daichi catches his elbow one cloudy January afternoon and pulls him into a hug Koushi feels his stomach drop and then lodge itself in his throat.  He already knows.  He just hasn’t wanted to admit it, hasn’t wanted to let the thoughts settle and take root because once he acknowledges them, once he lets them see the light, he knows there’s no going back.

Which is ironic in the saddest way because honestly there’s never been any going back for Koushi when Daichi’s involved.

“Koushi.”  His name breaks him.  Before Daichi even says anything else.  Just his name spoken in that slightly reverent tone but with a hint of sadness coloring the edges of it.  He already knows.  Has known for weeks, maybe even longer.  This is it.  The beginning of the end for them.  A beginning that actually started months ago.  “We need to talk.”

“Do we really need to?”

Maybe if they put this off just a little longer, wait until the sky turns dark and the streetlights come on it will hurt less.  Maybe the magic of darkness and the flickering fairy lights of the city will make it so his body doesn’t feel too large for his own skin and keep his blood from rushing past his ears with a roar yet trickling coldly through his limbs.  Maybe the shadowy night and harsh lights can keep him from cracking and bursting apart.

Daichi’s breath is warm against Koushi’s temple.

“I think we both know that we do.”

Koushi pretends he doesn’t feel Daichi’s chin tremble when he speaks and Daichi doesn’t say a word about the way Koushi’s fingers dig into his sweatshirt like it’s the only thing anchoring him right now.  The only thing keeping him from drifting away.

 

Koushi stares at the ceiling of their - his now, not theirs, he’ll have to get used to that thought - bedroom and watches the shadows jump and dance across the paint.  

It hurts.  

God does it hurt.  His throat is raw and his stomach is knotted.  His fingers tangle in the sheets and he curls onto his side, voice locked in his throat.  He feels like his entire body has been turned inside out and someone’s rubbed crushed glass into him.

He’s numb.

His eyes are glazed over and his limbs feel like lead, heavy and slow and he can feel his blood thick in his veins, like it’s clogging them with all the emotions stuffed in his head that he can’t wrap his thoughts around.  Everything is slow and syrupy and he feels so cold.

The world moves on outside their - his - bedroom window and Koushi goes still when he hears Daichi stumble past the bedroom door and into the bathroom.  A minute later Daichi stumbles back, pausing for only a moment outside the bedroom door - a moment that has Koushi’s hopes leaping and his body tingling with the anticipation that this has all been a horrible dream and he’s about to wake up - before heading back to the living room as Koushi’s stomach knots and tears fill his eyes.

 

It’s not pity sex, he tells himself when Daichi’s breath is hot on his neck and Daichi’s hands burn familiar trails along his skin.  He’s not crazy for trying to keep this for just a little longer.  There’s nothing wrong with having trouble letting go of something that’s been part of you for so long.  Nothing wrong with wanting to ease the change from under your skin instead of ripping it out and leaving another gaping wound to deal with.

Nothing wrong with seeking a little comfort even when the one you’re seeking it from is the one causing you so much pain.

At least that’s what he tells himself while Daichi is still warm against his back and his arms are strong around Koushi’s waist.

When Daichi drifts off to sleep, rolls onto his side away from Koushi, and Koushi’s alone with his thoughts, well, he’s not so kind to himself.

Stupid and pathetic are the nicest things he says to himself, voice barely a breath in the darkness, as he holds back tears and his fingernails dig into his palms.  His body shivers and shudders as the sobs in his chest threaten to shake him apart unless he frees them.  He falls asleep just inches from Daichi’s back but that canyon between them is impossible to cross.

 

_ “I still love you, Koushi.  I always will.  I just-” Daichi sighs, words dropping with quiet precision into Koushi’s mind and exploding his thoughts into a million unusable pieces. “I’m just not  _ in  _ love with you anymore.  The future I used to see, that we used to see, for us together just isn’t there anymore.” _

_ Koushi can feel Daichi’s breath on his temple, can feel the way Daichi’s arms tremble as they squeeze him tight, can feel his world shattering around him with each inhale and the rest of the world rushing by him with each exhale. _

_ “Stop.”  His voice is barely a whisper, buried and lost against Daichi’s neck.  “Just.  Please don’t.” _

_ His words are lost under Daichi’s familiar rumbling voice and he shudders. _

 

Koushi opens his eyes and wipes at his damp cheeks, movements slow as to not disturb the comforting heat of Daichi asleep beside him as Koushi blinks away the last of his dream.  He can remember each moment of that afternoon with almost frightening clarity.  He can remember it even better than the first time Daichi told him he loved him, a hushed confession in a dark storage closet after practice.  He remembers is more clearly than the first time they kissed, Daichi’s nerves making his fingers tremble against Koushi’s cheek in the early morning light.

There’s nothing wrong, he insists to that nagging voice in his head, with not wanting to wake up cold and lonely and without Daichi beside him.

He keeps going on.  He goes to work and smiles at his coworkers.  Greets their customers with his signature smile and bright eyes and if anyone notices that he’s faking it, if his smile feels hollow and his eyes dim when he’s not focused on work, they’re kind enough not to say anything.

He’s not sure which is a more depressing option: that they know and are kind enough not to mention it or that they don’t even pay enough attention to notice at all.

His smile falls and his eyes dim every time he turns away from a customer and retreats back into his own world.  Every single person he encounters has their own story happening, their own internal dialogue and fights and sorrows and joys and heartbreaks.  He’s always known this but it’s not until he suddenly feels his world stop and his heart skip a couple beats when thoughts of Daichi burst into his head and he has to keep smiling no matter how much he wants to tear up that it really sinks in for him.  Because he technically isn’t alone but he’s never felt so far out of reach of other people in his life.

The apartment isn’t the warm sanctuary he’s come to know it to be.  It’s just as cold and bitter and grey as the world outside is.  Especially when he comes home and finds more and more of Daichi’s stuff sorted and set aside and boxed up.  Their lives together slowly being picked apart and analyzed for what’s worth being kept and what’s just junk getting left behind.

Objectively he knows he’s being harsh.  Daichi isn’t trying to be cruel.  In fact he’s trying to keep this as painless as possible for them both.  He just hates that Daichi is so collected, that he’s so calm about ripping their lives apart and just… moving on without him.

He knows Daichi doesn’t necessarily want to leave him behind.  That Daichi has just had more time to process this decision and come to terms with it than Koushi has.  That he is trying to give them both room to grow and move forward and be happy again someday but that doesn’t stop the burn of anger that curls through him like smoke when he spots Daichi sifting through their box of knickknacks and mementos from vacations and parties and trips and he wonders just what of their past together Daichi even plans on taking with him.  Wonders how many memories Daichi is going to to leave behind with Koushi, reminders of their time together left behind to gather dust.

That curling smoky anger turns solid and burning when he sees Daichi smiling down at something, eyes glazed and lips soft in a curve that’s not Koushi’s to kiss anymore, and he walks away.

By the time the unusually grey skies turn sunny and the air warms January is drawing to a close and Daichi’s stuff is gone.  Along with every plan Koushi has ever had for his future.

  
  


 

February is when he wakes up alone.

Technically Koushi’s woken up alone plenty of times, even after he and Daichi got together.  Schedules and classes and family often had them waking up at different times.

But this time when Koushi opens his eyes and rolls onto his side, spots the wide expanse of their - his - bed stretching away from him, and buries his face in the pillows beside him his stomach turns inside out.  Because the pillow doesn’t smell like Daichi anymore.

It’s been over two weeks since Daichi moved out.  Valentine’s Day had come and gone and Koushi had hurried home and buried himself under blankets each day after work, doing his best to ignore the happy couples and love filled smiles and cutesy decorations that flooded the city while he pretended his heart wasn’t broken.  He had buried himself under blankets and wrapped himself around pillows that still smelled like Daichi, still held lingering touches of his presence.

But now the pillow is just a pillow.  Cool under his cheek and soaking up his tears until it becomes warm and damp against his skin.  His blankets don’t feel like Daichi’s comforting embrace.  They tangle and bind and crush him under waves of panic and bile rising in his throat and he scrambles, panics in his attempt to be free of the sudden stifling material and tumbles out of the bed and onto the floor hoping he doesn’t get sick all over it.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  He was supposed to wake up to Daichi beside him or shuffling around the apartment until they were little old men and could barely make it from room to room without creaking bones and aching joints.  They were supposed to have matching ugly old man sweaters that they wore with pride.  Slippers built for comfort and not fashion.  The tv tuned to the news far louder than they used to need it.  They were supposed to fall asleep in each other’s arms every night until they stopped waking up.

He wasn’t supposed to be alone at twenty-seven in a pair of faded Karasuno track pants that are a little too big for him and digging his bare toes into the carpet, staring at the spot in the corner where he always caught his foot on the strap of Daichi’s sports bag on his way to the closet.

Koushi doesn't even realize he has moved across the room and picked up his phone from the dresser and called anyone until the worried voice breaks him out of his thoughts.

“Suga-san?  What’s wrong?  Say something would ya you’re freaking me out here.”

“Ryuu, uh.” Koushi’s voice breaks a little and he doesn’t even bother trying to hide it.  “I, uh.  Can you come over for a bit sometime today?”  He doesn’t want to inconvenience his friend.  Doesn’t want to make him take any special time out of his day for him.  “Just whenever you have the chance.”

“I’ll be there in under an hour.  Hour twenty at the most.”

Ryuu doesn’t ask him anything and Koushi loves him a little for that.  He just can’t be alone any more.  Can’t stand the crushing silence of his half empty apartment.  It’s overwhelming to feel so alone and disconnected in a place that is supposed to be his sanctuary.

“Thank you,” he whispers as Ryuu disconnects.

Koushi drags himself to their - his, it’s his only his now and he’ll need to get that straight soon - closet and digs out the oversized sweatshirt buried in the back of it.  He doesn’t know if Daichi had left it on purpose since he knew it was Koushi’s favorite one to borrow or if he honestly just didn’t realize Koushi still had it in the wash when he took his last bag and left his keys on the counter with a sad smile.

That smile was unfair.  

Daichi wasn’t supposed to be sad.  Daichi had time to process this choice and sort through his thoughts and feelings.  Daichi was the one who packed up his stuff and moved it out box by box.  Daichi’s the one who made this stupid decision in the first place and now Koushi’s alone in this massive apartment with half it’s stuff missing and feeling like he’s a billion pieces of glass held together by cheap school glue and adhesive tape.

When Ryuu knocks forty minutes later Koushi is standing in the kitchen, staring at the matched set of mugs in the cupboard and wondering why Daichi left those - Koushi didn’t even really like the plain off-white mugs all that much - and took the random unmatched mugs that they had moved into the apartment with.  Why did Daichi leave him with this blatant reminder of their status as a couple while he took the pieces of who they used to be with him to start anew?

Why Daichi was the one moving forward and Koushi was the one left behind yet again?

It wasn’t fair.

 

“Hey, Suga.”  

Ryuu pulls him into a hug as soon as he shuts the door behind himself.  Ryuu’s arms are strong and secure and Koushi lets himself melt into his friend’s embrace.  Ryuu, bless his soul, still doesn’t say or ask anything, just squeezes Koushi a little tighter and lets him bury his face against his shoulder and hide away from everything for a few minutes.  When Koushi finally takes a deep breath and pulls away Ryuu speaks as he slips his shoes off.

“Where’s Daichi?”

“Daichi’s gone,” Koushi replies and he’s a little surprised at how level his voice sounds.  Ryuu follows him into the living room and Koushi can hear Ryuu pause in the doorway, eyes darting around no doubt as he takes in the lack of Daichi’s things in the room.

“Suga?  What do you mean he’s gone?”

“Dai, uh.  Daichi moved out about three weeks ago?”  Koushi can feel the weight of the words settling in the room, crushing them both and making his heart work overtime to just keep beating.  He nods to himself, as if confirming that the words are real and this is actually happening.  His eyes burn as he catches his lower lip between his teeth and takes a shaky breath.  “We, um, broke up about a month ago.”

“Son of a bitch,” Ryuu’s voice is shocked and Koushi feels his control slipping.  “I, holy shit.”  Ryuu’s arms are back around him and Ryuu’s guiding Koushi’s face to rest against his shoulder and he goes, tears already running down his cheeks as he buries his face against Ryuu.  “I didn’t know.”

“No one does.  No one did.  I just.  I…”

“Suga-san.”  Ryuu hushes him and holds him tighter.  “I got you.”

Koushi isn’t sure how long he sobs for.  He knows that Ryuu settles them on the couch at one point and pulls Koushi against him so he can keep his face buried against Ryuu’s shoulder.  He knows that Ryuu runs his hands through Koushi’s hair and up and down his back while his breath hitches and his voice goes hoarse.  He knows he sobs out broken pieces of what happened that are mostly lost in the fabric of Ryuu’s sweatshirt.  He knows when he finally catches his breath and the sobs stop wracking his body his throat is raw and his head is pounding and he feels dizzy from the flood of emotions that washed through him and broke against him, leaving him wrecked.

He knows that Ryuu - his dear, sweet Ryuu who has somehow become one of Koushi’s closest friends in the years since he graduated from Karasuno - is there when he finally takes a shuddering watery breath and sits up and away from him.

“Do I need to go kick his ass?”  Koushi blinks a little stupidly as he tries to mull through the cotton in his brain and figure out what Ryuu is talking about.  “I mean Daichi still kind of intimidates me and I’m pretty sure he’d actually win.  But if you want me to I can go kick his ass for you.”

Laughter bubbles up and slips out as Ryuu grins and nods at him.  It’s hysterical laughter, untamed and a little frightening, but when Ryuu laughs with him for a moment Koushi thinks he’ll be okay.  That bright flash of a future without Daichi right beside him doesn’t crack him apart and he thinks that maybe, just maybe, he can do this.  

“Or I can just sit here with you and we can eat way too much ice cream and get drunk on cheap booze and watch movies that make us cry.”  Ryuu smiles gently at him and wraps his arm around Koushi’s shoulder, settling him against his side and he willingly curls into Ryuu’s warmth.  “Whatever you need Suga-san.”

 

He’s pleasantly buzzed on the promised cheap booze and staring as the credits of their third sad movie of the night roll by on the tv with Ryuu’s hand running through his hair and half a carton of ice cream in his stomach.  Everything still hurts but it all has a fuzzy edge to it like he’s just run into the corner of the table but is wrapped in a blanket so it’s not quite as sharp as it could be.

“I’m surprised you didn’t call Asahi over.  He’s great for sad movie marathons and cry fests.”

The fuzzy edges crinkle and crackle when Koushi rolls onto his back to look up at his friend.  Ryuu frowns down at him and Koushi reaches up a wobbly hand to press at the wrinkles between his brows.

“Keep making those faces and you’ll stick that way.  You’re my friend too, Ryuu.”  Koushi giggles softly and drops his hand away.  “Asahi is just too much right now.”  He explains.  Or tries to.  It’s a little hard with everything so fuzzy and he’s not sure how much sense he’s making.  “Too close to it all.  Too,” he sighs and turns to bury his face against Ryuu’s stomach, “too many memories.  ‘Sides,” he murmurs, “I don’t want to drag him into the middle of it.  Don’t want to make him choose between me and Dai.  Can’t drag him through that.”

“You should at least tell him.  He’s stronger than you think he is.”  Ryuu draws the blanket around Koushi’s shoulders and starts movie number four.  “Plus he’s a friend of both of you.  He should know.”

 

Koushi wakes up in his own bed with Ryuu’s back pressed against his and he rolls over and presses his face against Ryuu’s shoulder with a groan that makes Ryuu hum in sympathy.

“We shouldn’t have had the rest of the ice cream, huh?”

“Maybe not that third round of cheap whatever you bought either.”  Koushi’s eyes are squeezed shut hard enough to see stars and he still feels like he’s spinning in circles.  “If I throw up do you suppose it will taste like vanilla ice cream or that fake raspberry stuff we drank?”

“Please don’t throw up on me, Suga-san,” Ryuu whines and tries to pull his shoulder away but Koushi just scoots closer and presses his forehead against Ryuu’s shirt.

“Please don’t move so much, Ryuu.  The world is doing enough of that without your help.”

They make it out of bed by noon and spend the rest of the day watching movies and cheesy tv shows that make Koushi’s hollow laughter and smiles ring with a smear of truth by the time the sun sets and Ryuu helps Koushi make something to eat.  It’s a disaster because anything involving Ryuu and a kitchen and unsupervised time around a stove with food on it is bound to be a disaster and Koushi really had to go to the bathroom at one point.  But it’s a disaster that has that blanket of familiarity and realness draped over it.  A disaster that drags him out of his greyed thoughts and throws a little color back into his world.

 

Barely a day goes by that Ryuu’s not there with Koushi the next few weeks.  Making food, sleeping next to him, letting him cry and ramble until he’s exhausted and his voice is hoarse and the words are jumbled together into sentences that really have no beginning or end or point in general.  

It helps.  To know that even when he’s broken and hollow and feels a lot like he’ll never be himself again - honestly he’s not even sure who he is anymore he’d been part of “Suga and Daichi” for so long - that he’ll always have support and have people by his side.

 

He wakes up alone but it doesn’t send him careening off the edge of panic.  It still hurts to roll over and see all that empty space next to him but he soon rolls out of bed without fear of the day ahead of him.  The pillows and sheets smell like him, smell like his laundry soap and his body wash and shampoo, and occasionally smell like Ryuu when he stays the night.

But they don’t smell like Daichi.  He doesn’t expect Daichi around every corner of the apartment, doesn’t listen for his voice when he wakes up, doesn’t expect Daichi’s reply when he comes home after work.

Daichi’s favorite foods have all expired and been tossed out.  The cupboards and fridge are filled with nothing but Koushi’s preferences - when he remembers to get groceries that is - and a couple bottles of whatever Ryuu brought over the last time he visited.

February ends a lot softer than it began.

  
  


 

March is when reality finally rears it’s ugly head and forces Koushi to acknowledge it all.

“You’re here a lot, you know.”  

Koushi is stretched out on the couch, feet propped in Ryuu’s lap, as they both poke at and scroll through their phones after dinner.  There are empty takeout containers scattered across the coffee table in front of them and a pile of change that Koushi is going to find a way to shove back into Ryuu’s jacket before he leaves; he knows Chikara most likely handed it over before Ryuu came to visit.

“Is that your way of saying you don’t want me around?”

It’s his way of saying that he’s doing better.  That he doesn’t need Ryuu here so much and that it’s time for him to stand on his own again and they both know it.  He jams his heel into Ryuu’s thigh with a soft laugh.

“I enjoy having you around, Ryuu.  I’m just thinking that Chikara would probably enjoy it too.  Wouldn’t want him to think you’re cheating on him or something.”

Ryuu snorts and rolls his eyes.  But then he glances at the time and stands.

“I do need to get going.  But don’t worry about Chika and me.  He understands and he knows that while I do love you, he’s the only one I’m in love with.”  Ryuu tugs him up into a bone crushing hug before heading to the door and slipping on his shoes.  “Actually he said something about the three of us doing dinner some time soon.  Being domesticated adults or something like that.  Whatever that means.  Let me know if you wanna, okay?”

Koushi can only nod as the door shuts because Ryuu’s words are ringing in his ears, echoing in his head, but the voice is Daichi’s.

_ “I still love you.  I always will.  I’m just not  _ in  _ love with you anymore.” _

He can feel the world swirling in on him, crushing force pressing down on him and he wants to curl into the couch and disappear for a while.  Maybe a year.  That should work.  He’d be okay in a year, right?  Simple words wouldn’t send him into a spiraling panic in a year.  He’d be able to see Daichi’s favorite tea on the shelf at the store and not blink back tears.

Koushi’s wondering if it’s too late to ask Ryuu to come back, to stay here with him for just one more night, when someone knocks on his door.

He shoves away the swirling crushing thoughts and wipes away whatever tears were trying to fall and answers the door.

“Hey, Suga.”

Memories threaten to overwhelm him, wash over him and drag him under to drown, and Koushi feels his fingers start trembling as his thoughts turn to the past and he steps back automatically to let those broad shoulders into the hallway.  Memories of high school and volleyball and sleepovers and studying flash through his mind in quick succession.  Happy smiles and congratulatory messages when their relationship was announced.  Firm hands patting his shoulder and helping move boxes into this very apartment.  Memories of laughter and happiness and shared looks and the odd triple threat that was the three of them when they were in synch.

“Asahi.”  Every single day of the last month, every day that he and Daichi were no longer a couple, is suddenly achingly clear as Asahi steps out of his shoes and doesn’t even glance at the emptiness of the hallway, at the obvious missing piles of Daichi’s shoes and jackets.  “Um, we.  Daichi and I, uh.”  Tears threaten to well up when Asahi meets his eyes.

“I already know.”  There’s an edge to Asahi’s voice that makes Koushi blink his tears back in surprise.  “Tanaka told me last week.”

“Ryuu what?”

“Told me last week.  He said Daichi wasn’t really returning any of his or Ennoshita’s messages and wondered if I knew if something else had come up and if I had any ideas what to do.”  Asahi lets out a rough sounding laugh that scrapes at Koushi like sandpaper.  “I didn’t even know my two best friends had broken up and one had moved out.  So I sadly couldn’t help him any.”

“Asahi, I - I didn’t,” Koushi sighs and watches his friend watching him.

“Didn’t what?  Want to bother me?  Think it was worth my time?  Didn’t think I needed to know?  Didn't trust me?”

“I didn’t want you to worry.”  Koushi can feel tears threatening to fall again and he has to swallow the lump in his throat.  “I didn’t want you to feel like you were caught between friends or had to choose sides.”

Asahi waits for Koushi to turn away and lead them into the living room, still scattered with remnants of Ryuu’s occupation of the space, before he lets out a sigh of his own.

“You two have never made me pick sides, Suga, and even if you tried I am an adult capable of being friends with both of you.  At the same time.  Regardless of your relationship with each other.”

Koushi refuses to tell him that he wasn’t just worried about making Asahi stressed over their friendship but that he was worried, down in the deepest most insecure part of himself, that Asahi would indeed end up picking sides, and that he’d pick Daichi’s and then Koushi wouldn’t have anything left of happy memories of their trio.

 

“You’re a lot more forceful than I remember,” Koushi pouts a little as Asahi finishes cleaning up the trash strewn across the coffee table and hands him the garbage can to return it to the kitchen.  “What happened to that adorable Glass Heart from high school?”

He thinks he imagines it when Asahi murmurs that it got shattered and remade especially when he gets back and Asahi is settled on the end of the couch with a tiny frown on his face as he scrolls through the channels on tv like nothing has changed at all.  Like the last time he stopped by wasn’t months ago with Daichi seated on the couch next to him with Koushi curled into Daichi’s side.  Like it isn’t strange at all for Koushi to take the spot at the opposite end and wrap himself around a pillow instead of around their missing third friend.

They watch tv in silence, Koushi still upset that Ryuu went and told Asahi when he asked him not to but before he knows it he manages to drift off to the white noise of a tv show he isn’t even watching with thoughts of hitting Ryuu in the face with a pillow the next time he sees him floating in his head.  He wakes up to Asahi settling him gently into bed and pulling up the blankets around him.

Asahi lingers for a moment, thumb rubbing under the beauty mark on Koushi’s cheek, and sighs.

“I wish you wouldn’t be upset with Tanaka, Suga.”  Asahi’s voice is soft in the shadowy room and Koushi has to strain to catch all his words.  “He was just trying to be a good friend and you know you're not completely innocent when it comes to sticking your nose in your friends' business.”  A soft laugh tears at Koushi’s heart and he’s sure he’s about to start crying any moment at Asahi’s tone.  So full of longing and sadness and fondness that Koushi isn’t sure of the source of.  “Case in point: Noya and I.  I just wish…” Asahi sighs softly again and that warm touch is gone from his cheek.  “Sleep well, Suga.”

 

Koushi manages to drag himself to work the next day and make it through the day without letting himself get distracted too much.  It’s exhausting, he’s realized, to keep expecting the other shoe to drop at any moment.  It’s draining to let these emotions simmer and seethe just under the surface and it has only been a few weeks but he’s tired of it.  Ready to lock it all up and just move on.  Just pack up whatever of Daichi is left in the apartment, and his mind, and tuck it into a corner until he’s able to look at it without crying.

He hops up the last few steps to his floor with an almost smile hovering on his lips.  That’s just what he’ll do: grab a couple empty boxes, pack up anything of Daichi’s that’s left, and just shove it in the back of the closet for a better day.

Familiar voices make him pause for a moment before taking that last step onto the landing and turning the corner to his apartment.  His apartment.  Not theirs.  Koushi huffs out a bitter laugh.  He’s already starting to get used to that.  Funny how quickly you can adapt to something you thought you’d never be able to handle.

Asahi and Noya glance up when they spot him on the landing.  Noya brightens up like a string of Christmas lights and rushes down the hall to throw himself at Koushi.  Koushi barely manages to catch Noya, dropping his bag with his work clothes in it in the process, but he can’t help the smile that settles on his face or the fond sigh that slips out when Noya laughs and buries his face against Koushi’s shoulder.  Asahi shakes his head and joins them to grab Koushi’s bag and fish out his keys when Koushi asks.

“What’s the occasion for the visit?”  Koushi waits until he’s tossed his bag of clothes into his bedroom and they’re all settled on the couch to ask.

“I missed you,” Noya answers, simple as can be.  “I haven’t seen you in like five months.  Far too long.”

“Noya,” Asahi warns and Koushi tilts his head at the tone.  Noya’s eyes go wide and his face scrunches as he stares at Asahi.  “Don’t.”

Noya blows a puff of air into his bangs - they’re dyed bright blue now Koushi notes - and pouts.

“Fine.”  He turns to Koushi and sighs.  “Ryuu told me about what happened I wanted to check on you.  But I seriously did miss you.  Five months really is too long to go without visiting.”  Noya scoots closer until he’s pressed against Koushi’s side and gives him a pleading look.  “Please don’t be mad at Ryuu - or Asahi for agreeing to come with me - we all just wanna make sure you’re okay.  I mean you spend so much time taking care of us that we want to return the favor even if the reason totally sucks.  We just wanna help you.”

Koushi can feel a headache creeping in on him, pressure in his head threatening to overwhelm him, and he sighs.

“I’m not mad.  I’m a little frustrated that Ryuu can’t keep his mouth shut but I suppose I understand where he’s coming from.”  His eyes slide from Noya’s eager face to Asahi’s worried gaze and then off to the corner where a stack of empty boxes leftover from Daichi’s moving out has been collecting dust.  “And if you really want to help, I have an idea.”

 

It hurts more seeing Noya and Asahi together than he ever thought it would, more than it ever has before.  Because part of him wonders if someday he and Daichi can get back to that level of friendship.  Another part of him hurts because it’s so unfair to him right now that Noya and Asahi have their friendship, that they can be here with him, packing up Daichi’s stuff, and not even bat an eye when they get too close to each other.  Whatever awkwardness there might have been between them when they broke up is long gone and that just feels so unfair to Koushi.  That he’s suffering while Noya laughs at Asahi trying, and failing, to securely shut the top of a cardboard box without the other top flaps popping open.

Later he lets Noya drag him out to grab something to eat after seeing the unfortunate state of his fridge.  Asahi politely declines due to work and excuses himself towards the station.  Koushi watches him walk away, and the further he goes the more he seems to flicker in between the street lamps, like a mirage of sorts, until he turns the corner and is gone.

“I know I’m not the best person to comfort you,” Noya says as they walk beside each other on the way to the convenience store.  “I’m loud and boisterous and can’t chill out the way Ryuu can and you need that.  You need calm and quiet.  But I am here for you.  Not gonna lie I’ll be there for him too if he’ll need me.  But that doesn’t change anything between you and me.”  Noya pauses to let a couple with a small child pass them and the smile on his face makes Koushi want to scoop him up and protect him from the world.  Which is ridiculous since Koushi can’t even protect himself at the moment.  “Even if we’re friends with Daichi we’re friends with you too.”  Koushi doesn’t flinch at Daichi’s name, though he wants to.  “Especially Asahi.”  They stop outside the store and Noya stares up at the sky, unusually quiet, and then meets Koushi’s eyes.  “I probably shouldn’t tell you this but if it came down to it Asahi would pick you every time.”

Koushi frowns a little at the phrasing.

“You mean pick my side?”

Noya laughs softly, sadly, and that urge to protect bubbles up again.

“Yeah.”

 

It’s easy after that, in an ironic twist of fate, to simply shut it all off.  To shove thoughts of Daichi into the back of his mind, and his stuff into the back of his closet, and just dive into other things.  Read books he had been putting off, go for long long walks late at night, pick up extra hours at work.  Immerse himself in his own world and his own life.

His life alone.

It’s a strange feeling - being alone - after spending his whole life around other people.  But it is liberating in a way.  A way he doesn’t like to think about too long because then he has to acknowledge what happened and the thoughts and wisdom behind the decisions and he’s just not quite ready for that.  So he simply tucks it away and just keeps living.

He buys groceries for one, pays his bills, picks up after only himself.  He can put off doing laundry twice as long, if not more, when it’s only his clothes and only him using the towels and washcloths.  Cooking for one is not nearly as satisfying as cooking for two used to be and he eats leftovers far more than he ever has in the past.  But he manages.

Asahi keeps reminding him that just bottling it away won’t work forever.  That one day he’ll have to face it and face how he feels.  That no matter how strong he is he’ll break some day and that Koushi can only hope that he or one of Koushi’s other friends are around when it happens.

But he already had his breakdown.  Already had his weeks of crying.  His weeks of hoarse throats and gritty eyes.  His weeks of barely rolling out of his pile of blankets for more than work and bathroom breaks and food.

So, while he isn’t determined to prove Asahi wrong or anything like that, Koushi makes it work.  

  
  


 

He pushes through April like nothing is wrong.  

Watches as the spring rains cleanse the world and the sky turns a brilliant blue and the cherry blossoms bloom even as his own inner world stays grey and overgrown.  He greets people at work with his normal smile and charm and goes home to an empty apartment, an empty bed, an empty life hidden away from the rest of the world.

He adores Ryuu and Noya, he really does, but the way they treat him like he’s going to crack under every slight thing that might remind him of Daichi while at the same time trying to act like that’s exactly  _ not _ what they’re doing is exhausting.  Especially when they wind up doing it together.  He knows that they just want the best for him and they hate seeing him feeling down which is why it’s so tiring to spend time with them because he feels like he needs to be upbeat around them.  To them he’s their cheerful, resilient vice-captain who doesn’t let anything get him down.  Even if that time is a few years past them now.

Asahi’s always been the only one, other than Daichi, to see him at his worst.  Thanks to those few weeks in February Ryuu has seen him pretty close as well, but Ryuu doesn’t seem to know what to do with him now that the initial issue has been dealt with.  It’s especially obvious when Ryuu and Chikara invite him out but then Ryuu changes where they’re meeting up four times before they settle on somewhere completely new to all of them.  Koushi knows what he’s doing and he appreciates it, he really does, since each location sends a little pang of sadness at all the happy memories it holds when he reads the text.  But it’s frustrating because he is not some delicate figurine, no matter how fragile he feels some days, and he can go out and have dinner with friends someplace and not have it ruined with memories of Daichi.  

Just because he feels like a shoddily repaired vase doesn’t mean he’s going to fall apart so easily again.

Asahi knows how to deal with him.  Knows when to push and when to back off.  When to level Koushi with a stare that makes him actually look intimidating for real and not just the imagined intimidating he used to look in high school.  Asahi knows that Koushi can handle walking by the bar they all went to when Daichi and Asahi hit legal age and that the sight of the restaurant where he and Daichi had their first official “after high school adults” date at won’t shatter him into a million pieces.  Asahi has changed since high school, has changed since he and Noya broke up, and sometimes when Koushi is staring at the shadows on his bedroom ceiling late at night he wonders if he has changed since high school, if he’ll change now that he and Daichi have broken up.

He still feels raw at times when he catches the tail end of Chikara talking about something he and Daichi discussed last week or when he sees something funny while browsing online and turns to show it to Daichi only to remember that Daichi’s not here.  He just takes each pang of loss and swallows whatever else tries to surface with them and buries them.  No matter how sure Asahi sounds or the way he sighs when he watches Koushi’s false smiles this is the way Koushi is going to deal with things for right now.

He doesn’t want to do it to make Asahi wrong.  

It’s just the only way he can deal with it all right now.

  
  


 

He doesn’t mean to draw away from everything in May.

But with the good weather and Golden Week bringing out the tourists and just the people in general (not to mention the memories of Daichi that flood his brain with each new flowering plant he sees blooming and each laughing couple with rosy cheeks in the midst of their blooming love) drain him to the point where all he wants to do is go home and just be left alone.  Hanging out with anyone is just so much effort that he just… doesn’t.  He knows that they can see straight through his excuses of working whenever they invite him out or over.  But they don’t say anything about it.

Asahi gives him knowing looks when he comes over despite Koushi telling him he’s tired or needs to get to bed early for work the next day but he doesn’t confront Koushi.

He just waits.

Koushi’s not entirely sure what Asahi’s waiting for.  He knows Asahi’s not morbid enough to be waiting for Koushi to crash and burn.  Asahi isn’t conceited enough to need the validation of being right about this.

Ryuu stops inviting himself over and stops insisting Koushi join him and Chikara in going out every few days.

Noya stops dropping by with bags of take out or to drag Koushi out for groceries.

Koushi curls into his world, ignores the stack of boxes in his mind that keeps growing and growing, tilting precariously with each new addition, and dives into his new life.  Dives into exploring himself and finding out what he likes and dislikes.

He spends a week trying out food that he never really tried before because Daichi didn’t like it much and there was no point in making it if there was the chance Koushi would dislike it too and just have all that food go to waste.  But now, why the hell not?  It’s all his food and his money.  He stares down at the tea cooling in his mug - off-white ceramic no doubt staining as he stares at it just sitting there - and wonders why he waited so long to do try all these things.

He spends an entire weekend watching a whole pile of horrible movies that he had always wanted to watch but never really got to because there was always something else he and Daichi wanted to see.  They are all as crappy as he imagined they would be but in a hilarious way that has him rolling his eyes and leaving the movie running while he gets more snacks, confident that he won’t miss anything vital in the five minutes he’s gone.

Asahi stops by one afternoon and finds Koushi in the middle of rearranging the entire apartment.  Books and movies piled up all over, shelves moved, clothes in neat piles to be tossed or donated or put back in his closet and dresser.  A box filled with stuff that had been tucked away in cabinets and drawers that’s either expired or he simply has no use for - honestly who needs five spatulas anyway? - is in the middle of the kitchen and Asahi nearly trips on it on his way to get a glass of water.

“I just got tired of looking at the same stuff in the same place,” Koushi explains when Asahi glances around the living room.  He doesn’t mean to sound so defensive and he can feel his shoulders tensing as his words hang in the air and he wipes at his cheek with the back of his hand.  He’s relieved when finally Asahi just shrugs and asks if Koushi wants help moving the bookcase or not.

Though Ryuu and Noya have dropped off Asahi still tries, on occasion, to get Koushi out.  To get him to go to a cafe for coffee or just take a walk for some fresh air.  It’s nice of him but right now Koushi prefers the familiarity of his apartment more than anything else.  His life feels hectic and frantic enough as it is, he doesn’t need the added pressure of conversing with people out in public added to it.

May is drawing to a close fast, days flying by in a blur of work and home and work again, and before he knows it his mother is calling to check in on him and see if there’s “anything special” he wants for his birthday and if he and Daichi are coming back for that week at all or if they’re staying in the city.

His brain stumbles to a halt when he realizes that he hasn’t told his parents yet.  Almost four months later and he had completely forgotten to tell them.  

He feels the size of an ant, no not even that big.  He’s feeling about as big as a flea when he takes a shaky breath and tells his mother that he and Daichi broke up, that Daichi moved out, that he’s been living on his own for months now.  Her tiny surprised gasp and sympathetic “Oh” make his chest feel tight and his fingers go numb and he has to remind himself to take deep breaths as he grips his phone so tight he thinks it’ll crack and insists that he’s doing okay and no he’s just going to stay in the city and meet up with Asahi and Noya and Ryuu or some friends from work for his birthday, no his parents don’t need to come, yes he’ll make sure to come home before summer is over, I love you too.

He cracks his window open for some fresh air after he hangs up and shuts his phone off.  He’d rather not deal with any other people today.

May slides over into June on a cool breeze and the sound of traffic filtering into his dark bedroom.

  
  


 

June is exhausting.  

The weather drains him of any ambition and if it weren’t for his job he’d probably go a week or more without doing his laundry simply because he just doesn’t have the energy to deal with it.  Everything is dreary and grey and it reminds him far too much of January.  He hasn’t answered his messages from Tanaka for weeks, he only answers Asahi’s because he lives close enough to just show up if Koushi doesn’t reply and Koushi still has enough pride to pretend he isn’t wallowing in misery and loneliness five months after the break up.

His birthday gets closer and closer and he still smiles his way through work, though the bitterness that tries to creep up his throat burns behind his teeth.

Koushi gets a ton of texts and calls on his birthday.  From family and friends and his former Karasuno teammates.  He declines their offers of hanging out or doing something, each time claiming he has plans with another group of people, and spends the day curled up in his bed watching cartoons and shows from when he was just a little kid and things like heartbreak and loneliness were simply plot lines solved in under thirty minutes.

Daichi sends him a birthday message - just a simple “Happy Birthday” and “hope you’re doing well” - and Koushi doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  So he does both while he shuts his phone off and throws it across the room before burrowing back under the blankets and hiding away from the world.  Months without a single word and one message shatters him, smashes him to pieces like a hammer to glass, and he’s left alone to try and pick up the pieces.  Again.

Koushi loses himself a little as the skies stay grey and stormy.

Days blur and blend into a damp rain filled collage of time he doesn’t really even live.  He simply exists.  Goes to work, goes home.  Eats, sleeps, showers.  He goes through days on autopilot.  Each one darker and, if he were aware enough to notice, more disturbingly void of emotion than the last.

He blinks into awareness in the middle of the shampoo aisle of the store as he’s staring between two scents of shampoo - his preferred scent and Daichi’s - and he hates the fact that he still hesitates a little when it comes time to grab one.  He lets out a frustrated huff and turns to grab a completely different brand altogether.  He hates himself a little each time he finds himself hesitating between choices or waiting.  For what, he doesn’t know, but he finds himself holding his breath in anticipation, a little wriggling notion of something being just out of reach, before shaking his head angrily and getting on with whatever he was doing.

Koushi comes home from work one afternoon soaked to the bone because he forgot his umbrella and just stops inside the apartment door.  Eyes blank while the rain water cools on his skin, runs clammily down his spine, collects on the tips of his hair while it curls and starts to dry while he just stands there.  His umbrella is sitting right where he left it in the corner.  The pale blue and silver stripes look so out of place and alone against the wall without Daichi’s dark green umbrella leaning against it.  He can feel something in him shifting, like his entire world is tilting off center.

He feels out of place as June is replaced with July and the rains die out, leaving behind a damp humid landscape filled with vibrant color that refuses to touch Koushi’s life.

  
  


 

July is when he’s had enough.

 

Koushi is tired of tiptoeing through his own life in a haze.  

He’s determined to get back to himself.  To laugh again.  To smile without forcing it.  To breathe in the damp air and actually realize that he’s doing it.

He never gives a reason why he finally starts agreeing on going to get coffee with Asahi a couple times a week mid-July.  Doesn’t explain that June was the first birthday he’s spent truly alone his entire life and he had spent that next month just trying to dig himself out of the hole of loathing he had fallen into without even realizing he had stumbled. That Asahi’s steady friendship and the way he just let Koushi be there with him, just let Koushi exist, was a kind fresh air that he hadn’t had for a very long time and it’s exactly what he’s needed.

Honestly he doesn’t think he needs to.  Asahi is observant.  He understands without Koushi having to explain things and that’s refreshing.  It makes the humid air that presses in on him the moment he wakes up feel a little less stifling.

Koushi feels like he can finally breath again.  Laugh at the things he used to.  His smile at work doesn’t feel so forced.  It’s like his senses had been dulled the last six months or so and now the worst of the fuzzy gray lifts from his mind as the rainy season ends and he welcomes the vibrant pull of summer.  He actually enjoys the roll of sweat down his back and the damp press of his bangs against his forehead makes him feel alive again.  

By the time the end of the month is in sight Koushi finds himself looking forward to things again.  Heading out for lunch with Asahi, meeting up with Ryuu and Chikara for drinks, even going out and getting groceries is something he enjoys again, no longer having to swallow a hard pit of dread in his throat at the decision between his brand of noodles and Daichi’s.

The humid drag of days is something he never paid much attention to in the past but this summer he finds himself carrying pillows over to the window so he can comfortably sit in front of it - or as comfortably as he can manage while sweating and sticking to everything - and watch the sun set.  He watches the clouds in the sky and the kids playing in the park down the street.  He has a small plant Asahi gave him for his birthday sitting near the window and he watches as it grows and blooms and thrives.

He watches the stars in the sky twinkling their way from July night into August morning and for a moment he forgets everything except for the expanse of wonder and shimmering starlight fighting with the city for attention above him.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s just a normal day in August when it finally happens.  

Koushi is laughing and sitting at the table on the patio at the little cafe he and Asahi stop by most afternoons now - the one with the cutesy patio umbrellas and the drink names that make Asahi blush when he orders anything because of how small and delicate they sound and the soft music playing from speakers hidden in the blooming plants in the corners - when he hears a familiar laugh, catches sight of a pair of shoulders and a chin that he’ll never forget out of the corner of his eye, sees a smile that he knows comes from being lost in pleasant thoughts, and the next thing he knows Asahi has a warm hand on his suddenly cold one and there are tears sliding down his face.

It’s just a normal day in August when he finally breaks and - god damn Azumane Asahi for being right - Koushi is glad that he’s not alone with it happens.

His breath is caught in his throat and the tears are burning his eyes and he can’t tear his gaze away from the corner that Daichi already turned and disappeared from.

“Suga?”

Daichi had been smiling at something.  Lost in happy thoughts.  

It was unfair.  

Logically Koushi knew that Daichi had probably already started moving on, it’s been nearly eight months after all, and he had steeled himself for hearing Daichi’s name in conversation, for seeing Daichi’s preferred sports drink in Ryuu and Chikara’s fridge, for smelling Daichi’s bodywash on strangers on the train.  He hadn’t been prepared to see that smile, those eyes bright and lively, that strong set of shoulders.  

It wasn’t  _ fair _ .  

He was barely finally getting by and Daichi was… Daichi was happy without him.

He shudders out of his thoughts when Asahi lightly pinches the back of his hand.

“Sorry.  What?”  He feels a little like a lost child when Asahi stands and pulls him to his feet, tossing their almost empty cups in the nearby trash bin on their way down to the sidewalk.  “Where are we going?”  He asks when he finally registers ten minutes later that this isn’t the way back to his apartment.

“My place,” Asahi says and Koushi feels like it’s not the first time Asahi’s told him that since they left the cafe.  “You need someplace quiet right now.  Someplace without memories.” He also realizes that Asahi still has his fingers wrapped carefully around Koushi’s wrist and he focuses on the way warmth radiates from that point of contact.  The way Asahi must be able to feel Koushi’s erratic pulse under his fingers but doesn’t say anything.

People used to call Koushi an angel back in high school but they were clearly people who never met Azumane Asahi.

 

He sits on Asahi’s couch wrapped around one of Asahi’s plush pillows despite the August heat and stares out the window.  He doesn’t really see anything that’s happening outside, still lost in thoughts of how unfair it is that Daichi looks so happy and normal and happy and yes he’s mostly stuck on the happy.  It’s not like he expected Daichi to be moping around in dark clothes like he was mourning Koushi’s death or anything.

But he also didn’t expect seeing Daichi looking happy without him to hurt quite this much.  He can feel the gritty heat of tears threatening to spill again and he buries his face in the pillow with a whimpering groan.

A few minutes later the couch dips under Asahi’s weight and Koushi hears the tv turn on.  Asahi flips through the channels and finally settles on what Koushi thinks sounds like an action movie.  He listens to the heated arguments on screen and what sounds like a high speed chase of some kind while his mind replays the few seconds he had of seeing Daichi for the first time in nearly eight months.  The way he looked well rested and tan in the summer sun.  The way his eyes sparkled and his lips turned up in a smile.  The way his tank top showed off his broad shoulders.

His mind replays it.  Over and over and over again.

He’s pretty sure he’s soaked Asahi’s pillow with his tears and snot to the point it’ll need to be washed and he takes a shuddering final breath, filling his nose with the citrusy woodsy scent with a touch of something sweet that is decidedly Asahi before he finally uncurls himself from the pillow and settles his chin on the top of it.  His head is starting to throb a little with all the sudden crying.  He presses against his cheeks and rubs at his sinuses to relieve the pressure a little, blinking in surprise when Asahi elbows him and points at the coffee table in front of them.

A bottle of painkillers and a glass of water are waiting for him.

He takes the pills and downs the water before shuffling to the bathroom for a few minutes to splash some water on his face and pointedly avoid looking at his blotchy reflection in the mirror.  By the time he gets back a new glass of water is on the table and Asahi is partially sprawled on the couch.  There’s room on the far end for Suga but he hesitates when he reaches it, eyes drifting towards Asahi and the space between his hip and the back of the couch.

Asahi glances up from the movie and gives Koushi a wide eyed look of worry at his hovering silence as he reaches for the remote.

“Suga?”  

Koushi’s eyes snap away from that spot and he shakes his head with what feels like a soft smile but might actually be a grimace.

“Nothing.”  His voice sounds wrecked even though all he did was cry and snot up Asahi’s pillow a bit.  Nothing like the sobbing hoarse for hours moments he had gone through months ago but it still hurts.  Asahi frowns, eyes dropping down to where Koushi had been looking and then he sees Asahi’s face soften in understanding.

“C’mere.”  Asahi wriggles his fingers languidly and reaches for the remote with his other hand to turn the sound back up on the tv.

Koushi falls onto the couch, curling himself into the small space rather gracelessly but Asahi doesn’t say anything, even when Koushi accidentally elbows him in the side trying to settle himself.  Asahi’s arm wraps around his shoulders and Koushi lets out a surprised huff when Asahi practically manhandles him into a comfortable position where he’s tucked against Asahi’s side with his cheek on Asahi’s chest.  He slowly wraps his arms around Asahi’s waist and sighs when Asahi doesn’t move other than to turn his attention back to the tv.

He had expected the hugs and cuddling on the couch and the shared bed from Ryuu - he’s always been a pretty tactile person with his friends and that hadn’t changed with age - but he’s not used to it with Asahi.  Asahi was always shy about getting too close to people and letting them into his personal space, always over-aware of his size and stature and they way other people fit around him.  Asahi in high school would have fumbled and blushed and shied away from this, even if it was just Koushi.  

But the Asahi here and now seems perfectly content to have Koushi in his space, curled into his side, sharing his warmth even on a warm summer day.  His arm is comfortably draped against Koushi’s shoulder and his thumb is rubbing idly back and forth where his hand is resting on Koushi’s forearm.

“Just,” Asahi sighs and rubs at his cheek, his old nervous slash embarrassed habit from high school rearing up, “stare at the tv and stop thinking for awhile.  We’ll order some pizza or something later and you can sleep on the couch tonight.”

 

He doesn’t go home for a couple days.  He’s just not quite ready to face the quiet of his apartment, of what was their apartment, so soon after seeing Daichi.  He was sure he’d see Daichi’s smile in every inch of the apartment, hear his laugh in every room, feel his touches lingering on every surface.

Asahi doesn’t say anything about it.  He just leaves a change of clothes and spare towels out for Koushi.  Makes an extra helping of food when he cooks.  Leaves Koushi a key when he has to go to work in case Koushi wants to step out for some fresh air.

Being alone in Asahi’s apartment with just his thoughts for company isn’t quite as daunting as being in his own apartment with all those shared memories lingering around every corner.

There’s nothing here but memories that don’t hurt him.

That thought makes Koushi roll off the couch and look around the apartment more carefully, searching through his memories of the last few years with caution.  He honestly can’t remember ever coming here with Daichi to hang out.  Asahi always came over to their place.  Koushi never really noticed it before but now that he thinks about it he realizes that if they ever came to visit Asahi they’d meet at the train station or club or diner.

Now that he thinks about it he can’t remember ever even being here before a few days ago when Asahi drug him back from the cafe.  Strange.

 

When Koushi lets himself back into his apartment after those few days it’s with the realization that August is coming to an end, he has a week's worth of laundry to do before he goes to work that afternoon, four days of dishes sitting in his sink, and the milk in his fridge is expired.

  
  


 

September doesn’t hurt.  As much.

Somewhere near the middle of the month Koushi stretches out on his cool kitchen floor and just debates staying there for a few weeks until the heat breaks again.

“Honestly Asahi,” he mumbles into the phone, “I swear he’s everywhere now.  We haven’t talked but I see him all the time.”  Koushi has his face smushed against the kitchen floor, nose to the tiles, and he’s got his phone propped against the side of his face.  It’s a tricky position and he can’t move too much or talk too loudly or his phone will fall.  But it’s refreshing in a way and the cool tile floor feels good against his stomach and chest.

Asahi’s chuckle is loud against his ear even though Koushi knows it would be so soft if he was here with him.

“He’s probably always been everywhere.  You just never saw him.”  He hears rustling, change clinking together, and Asahi’s muffled voice and he can imagine him giving whatever cashier he just finished with an apologetic look for being on his phone while paying for whatever he bought.  “It happened to me you know.”  Asahi’s voice comes back and Koushi hums in acknowledgement.  “With Noya.”  

The way that Asahi can talk to easily about his and Noya’s break up still makes Koushi’s stomach churn.  Though he supposes he’s starting down his own path of being able to discuss what happened between Daichi and himself.

“Really?”

“Yeah.  We, uh, literally ran into each other.”  The fondness in his voice as he tells Koushi about them crashing into each other and nearly taking down a can display at a grocery store makes Koushi upset.  A little jealous maybe?  He isn’t entirely sure.  He listens to Asahi’s voice and wonders if Daichi tells these kind of stories to people.  If he can tell about the time Koushi basically threw an entire bowl of rice in the air when Daichi snuck up behind him and scared him.  If he can tell it with a smile on his face and a fond tone in his voice like he’s talking about an old friend and not the person he was in love with for years.  “And honestly,” Asahi is still talking quietly to Koushi, voice a calming balm of white noise until Koushi focuses back in and pushes himself off the floor, “when I stopped and thought back I realized there were flashes of him all over the place.  I just wasn’t ready to see it.”

Koushi props himself against the fridge, loving the cool press against his back, and stares up at the edge of the counter.  The tops of his two off-white mugs are barely visible next to the sink and the sight of them makes him a little bitter.  Off-white reminders of what he had and who he was with Daichi that he still uses nearly every day.

“I could have sworn he said something about going out of town for work.  Where did you see him at?”

“Um.  Today?”  Koushi shakes the thoughts from his head.  Leaves the bitterness to the side to deal with later as he runs a hand through his sweaty hair.  “Near that bookstore by the cafe.  But last week it was outside the train station and the other day we saw each other at the grocery store.”  He groans and thumps his head against the fridge.  “It was just so awkward Asahi.  Like we were across the street from each other and he did that wide-eyed caught doing something wrong half wave thing where his fingers were curled and his pointer was up and I did one of those slowly wiggling my fingers wave things and it was just, ugh.”  His face flushes just remembering how awkward and embarrassing the whole thing was.  “I saw him naked.  Regularly.  For years.”  He hears Asahi choke on his own breath and it makes a bubble of amusement pop in his chest that he can at least still make his friend stumble from time to time with his crassness.  Some things don’t entirely change at least.  “And now I can’t even see him on the street and just wave normally.”

“Suga,” Asahi chides.  “What if I would have had you on speakerphone?”

“Oh Asahi.  The only time you put me on speaker is when you’re at home by yourself.  You’re too polite to do it in public.”

Asahi lets out an exasperated sigh and Koushi laughs.

 

He’s not laughing a few days later when his phone starts ringing it's generic ringtone and he stares down at the screen with sudden apprehension gnawing at his gut.

 

**_Sawamura Daichi_ **

 

His is one of the few names in Koushi’s phone that has no emojis or nicknames.  No cutesy dorky display picture.  No fun ringtone.

He hadn’t been able to bring himself to completely erase Daichi from his life like that.  He knew that in an emergency they would both still be there for the other no matter how much it hurt so he had simply wiped the personality from Daichi’s contact information.

Koushi grabs the phone at the last moment and answers it.

“Hello?”

“Ah, Suga.”  It’s the first time he’s heard Daichi’s voice outside of his own memories in almost eight months and Koushi’s glad he’s already sitting down because the wave of emotions at hearing Daichi’s voice would have knocked him on his ass.  “I, uh, wasn’t sure you’d answer.”

Koushi clears his throat and bites at his lip, unsure of what to say or do.

“I, well, I wasn’t sure I was going to.”  The emptiness between them is awkward on the phone as they just listen to each other breathe and then Daichi laughs a little humorlessly.

“Seriously I have no idea what to say now I was expecting to talk to your voice mail this throws me off so much.”  Koushi can picture Daichi rubbing the back of his head with a lopsided grin on his face and he bites the inside of his cheek to ground himself.

“Did you need something?”  He asks worriedly.  “Did something happen to someone?”

“No nothing happened to anyone.  I just.  God this feels so awkward.”  Koushi lets out a soft huff, his words to Asahi just a few days ago playing in his head.  “I just wanted to talk to you.  About Noya’s birthday.”

Koushi’s eyes dart to the calendar and note that Noya’s birthday was just a couple weeks away and he wonders for a moment about how time has seemed to disappear on him lately because he could have sworn it had just been Yaku and Narita’s birthdays in August just the other day.

“What about his birthday?”

“Well I figured we were both invited to his birthday party.”  Koushi’s eyes drift to the weekend marked on the calendar.  He had requested both days off, just in case since he knew how Noya and Ryuu could be, and he nods even though Daichi isn’t here to see him.  “And I just wanted to make sure you’d be okay with both of us being there.  Because if not I can just meet up with Noya earlier or something if it’ll upset you.”

Koushi’s jaw drops and he blinks hard, unsure if he just heard right.

“Upset me?”  He can hear the ice in his voice and Daichi obviously can too because he scrambles to correct himself.

“I didn’t mean it like.  Fuck.  If it will make things too uncomfortable.  For you or us or anyone.”

Koushi doesn’t mean to snap he really doesn’t.  It’s just that, well, Daichi left him.  Daichi’s the one that shattered him and left the pieces behind for Koushi to pick up and it’s the first time in eight months he’s heard his voice and it’s not breaking him.  He’s not trembling or breathing hard.  No tears are stinging his eyes.  He’s the one that picked himself back up - with Asahi and Noya and Ryuu and Chikara’s help - and to imply that he can’t handle a few hours in the same apartment as Daichi without turning it into some sort of crisis or something is just… insulting.

“I’ll be fine, Sawamura.  I guess I’ll see you at Noya’s party.  Have a good day.”

He hangs up as Daichi scrambles to apologize.

Koushi stares down at his phone with dry eyes.  His hands are steady as he sets it on the arm of the couch.  His breath is even and calm as he goes to the kitchen and moves the off-white mugs into the sink and pulls out one of the gaudy ones - the bright blue one with orange dots - that Ryuu and Chikara brought him back from their trip last month.

Daichi doesn’t call back or text.

Koushi didn’t really expect him to.

 

He talks to Asahi about it the next day and admits that he was a little short tempered though Asahi says that he understands why Koushi did what he did.  Agrees that Daichi always did have a way of putting his foot in his mouth without meaning to.  A tiny part of Koushi wonders when he stopped finding that quite as endearing a trait as he used to and if maybe it was a sign that he really was moving on.

Koushi lets Noya know that he’ll be at the party and Daichi probably will too and that he’s fine with it so Noya doesn’t have to worry.

He passes the same message on to Ryuu before Ryuu can even speak when Ryuu calls him that night.  Ryuu proceeds to tell him his offer of kicking Daichi’s ass if need be still stands.

“I don’t think it will come to that,” Suga laughs as he watches the rain fall against his window, “but I could go for someone being willing to drink anything with alcohol that’s not raspberry flavored with me and keep me company.”

“Deal.”

Koushi watches the rain wash away the end of September while he’s curled on the couch texting Asahi and Ryuu, fingers wrapped around a bright green mug filled with hot chocolate.

 

 

October is the sunset of his year.

He watches the colors layer on themselves, painting the days leading up to Noya’s birthday party with gentle waves of emotions.  His bright blue sky anger at Daichi over implying that Koushi wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him again with their friends is mixed with the golden sheen of Noya’s enthusiasm over having the best birthday party ever, giving his thoughts about the night a purpling splash of caution mixed with pink swipes of bubbling excitement at the idea of hanging out with his friends and laughing and drinking and just having fun.

He’s nervous, he realizes, as he stands outside the door to Noya’s apartment.  Partially about seeing Daichi again, so close they could touch if they wanted to, and how much he knows it’s going to hurt at first.  Also a bit about causing a scene.   _ He _ won’t cause one.  But with Ryuu so adamant on being on the defensive for him and Noya being kind of neutral ground between them and the collection of their friends who all know what happened by now… well he can only hope for the best.  But a lot of it is just the nervousness of being around people he hasn’t seen in awhile and knowing that they know what happened and being unsure of how, exactly, the night is going to go.

Koushi settles his palm on the door, feeling the vibrations from music already coursing through the wood, and closes his eyes to gather his thoughts.  And maybe gather his courage a little too.  Then he balls his hand into a fist and raps his knuckles on the door a few times.

Only the first rap is on wood.

His arm swings in further on the second rap as the door swings open and Asahi’s laughter at something behind him filters into Koushi’s thoughts just before Koushi’s fist meets Asahi’s chest.  Asahi freezes and gives him a startled look and Koushi can feel the embarrassed flush threatening to creep across his face.

“I thought we were over the Suga punching Asahi in the chest phase.”  Ryuu peeks his head around Asahi’s side to grin at Suga.  “That’s so highschool of you Suga-san.”

“Is that Suga?”  Noya’s gasp is about the only warning he has to brace himself before Noya darts around Asahi and launches himself at Koushi.  “You came!”  Noya’s eyes are lit with joy and Koushi can’t help but return his grin.

“Of course I did.  Happy Birthday, Noya.”

When Noya glances over his shoulder to nod at Asahi, obviously finishing some conversation they had just been having, Koushi meets Ryuu’s eyes, giving him the most unamused look he possibly can.  Ryuu smiles a little sheepishly and shrugs his shoulders before heading back into Noya’s apartment.

 

Later that night Koushi settles himself against the counter in Noya’s kitchen and smiles when Ryuu joins him a few minutes later, hopping up on the counter and lightly tapping his heel against the cupboards underneath.  Koushi knows exactly what his friends have been up to all night and he appreciates it, he really really does, but he’s also gotten to the edge of fond exasperation.  He might have needed them to hover and protect him months ago but he’s doing better now.  When Noya answered the door and Daichi followed him into the living room Koushi hadn’t even flinched.  His breath had barely even caught in his throat and the pause in his sentence to Chikara had barely been noticeable.  Daichi had laughed at whatever Noya said to him and then glanced around the room.  Nothing crashed in the distance when their eyes met.  No explosions or well timed awkward bumps into people.  They had simply given each other a small smile and nod of acknowledgement and went about their ways.

Now, a couple hours later, Ryuu is leaning into Koushi and dumping half of his drink into Koushi’s glass with a wicked grin and sparkling eyes.

“I asked you to drink with me not get me drunk,” Koushi protests but takes a sip from the glass anyway.

“Close enough.”  Ryuu laughs loudly and nudges Koushi’s shoulder.  “Least it’s not raspberry.”

“Still not sure if it would have tasted like raspberry or vanilla that morning.”

“Coming back up it would have tasted like we licked a dumpster no matter what it tasted like going down.”

“You make a good point.”  Koushi laughs as Ryuu salutes him with his own, now half empty, glass before downing it in a few long swallows.

“Oh that burns,” Ryuu coughs a little.  “Pro tip: don’t let Narita mix you a drink.”

Koushi eyes his glass warily.  “I didn’t think it was that bad.”

Daichi’s laughter hits him from just outside the kitchen and his fingers tighten on the glass 

“My offer of an ass kicking still stands,” Ryuu mutters as Daichi rounds the corner.  He obviously doesn’t notice them at first since he’s halfway across the kitchen with his hand already reaching out for the fridge before he freezes, eyes widening when he finally sees Ryuu and Koushi.

“You’re not beating anyone up,” Koushi finally manages to say softly after what feels like an eternity of Daichi and him staring at each other.

“Suga.”  Daichi’s crooked smile had always made Koushi’s knees weak and he’s glad for the warm press of Ryuu against his shoulder.  Daichi nods at them both, eyes flickering between them.  “Tanaka.”

Ryuu snorts and Koushi’s sure he’s giving Daichi his best intimidating glare until Koushi elbows him.

They talk a little as Daichi finishes his trip to the fridge and digs out a bottle of water, or they try to.  It’s difficult when Ryuu talks over Daichi half the time and interrupts him the other half.  Koushi finally has enough when Daichi asks a simple question and Ryuu growls, literally growls, out loud.

“Oh my god.”  Koushi glares at Ryuu who is still staring at Daichi.  Between the sassy comment when Koushi showed up the hovering around him all night and this overprotective, over dramatic reaction he’s had enough.   “Tanaka!”

Ryuu whips his head to the side, eyes wide in surprise at Koushi’s tone and at him using his family name since he’s been calling him Ryuu for years now.  If he wasn’t so frustrated at the moment he’d laugh at the almost surprised puppy dog look on Ryuu’s face.

“Go spend some time with your best friend on his birthday.”  Koushi’s tone leaves no room for argument and Ryuu only wavers for a moment before pulling Koushi into a hug against his side and hopping off the counter.

“Hey Suga,” Daichi finally says after a few moments of them simply staring at anything but each other.

“Hey Daichi.”  The smile on his face isn’t forced but he knows it’s not exactly nice and easy either.  "So,” Koushi starts after another long stretch of silence as they barely look at each other, “seeing anyone?"  

It’s a dumb question and he winces at how stilted and awkward it sounds but he can't help it.  He's standing in the corner of Noya's kitchen counter with Daichi only a couple feet away and it's the first time they've been this close in what feels like forever and his brain is still a little stuck on Ryuu's  _ charming  _ growl at Daichi and the way their friends have been looking at them all night without really looking at them.  

He's a little on edge, okay?

Daichi's awkward laugh is the same as it's always been.

"No, Suga," he says with an almost patient tone to his voice that reminds Koushi of high school.  "It'll take more than just a few months for me to get over you.  Even if I was the one to officially call it off between us.”  Koushi… Koushi isn’t sure how to take that.  Is Daichi saying that he hasn’t had an easy time either?  That maybe he hasn’t been as well off and happy as Koushi had imagined?  He had seemed perfectly over Koushi and happy and doing just fine that first time Koushi had seen him outside the cafe in August.  “Speaking of a few months.  I, uh, have been informed by a mutual friend of ours that I've been kind of an asshole to you about things."

Koushi sighs loudly and scrubs a hand down his face.

"I told Ryuu to leave it, and you, alone.  Besides how can you have been an asshole to me?  We've barely spoken since you... since we broke up."

"Yeah.  That's just it.  That I, and I quote, 'dropped out of your life and cut you out of mine like a childish asshole' so,” Daichi drops his head and glances up at Koushi through his lashes, “I apologize.  And it wasn’t Tanaka.  It was Asahi.”

Koushi tucks that information in the back of his mind to bring up with Asahi later.  He studies Daichi, looks at him up close for the first time in more or less eight months.  Daichi looks good but Koushi knows him.  He can see the tiredness in the set of Daichi’s shoulders and his frustration in the way he rolls the bottle of water in his hands back and forth.  He can read how uncomfortable Daichi is in how he props himself against the fridge and has trouble meeting Koushi’s eyes.

“And I need you to know, no matter how cliche it sounds, I never wanted to hurt you.  I wasn’t trying to be an asshole or anything.  I just thought that not having me around as a reminder of what we had and what we didn’t have anymore would be easier for you.”

That is not what he expected either.  Koushi thinks back to the weeks spent in a haze of colorless emotionless life.  To the number of times he found himself wanting to share a funny moment with or rant about a shitty customer to Daichi.  The amount of times he wound up stuck in an aisle at the store unsure what brand to buy because one was his favorite and the other was the one Daichi always liked.  He thinks about missed laughter and nights spent whispering about anything and everything all the way back to high school.

He thinks about how his best friend ripped himself out of Koushi’s life in every way possible and left him behind, alone, to sew up his wounds.

“Oh, Daichi.”  Koushi can feel the emotions swirling in him, threatening to bubble up and he takes a deep breath with his eyes closed before opening them slowly.  "It would have been easier to still have my best friend to talk to no matter what the topic was.  When we broke up, when you left, I lost my boyfriend and my best friend at the same time.  I lost the person I loved and the pretty much the only person I have ever felt comfortable telling everything to."  Daichi’s eyes slowly widen as his words sink in and Koushi watches the emotions play on his face.  Daichi knows Koushi nearly as well as Koushi knows him.  He knows how much it takes Koushi to let people in close to him, to let them into his secrets and that look on his face is him suddenly realizing just what he did, what he took from Koushi, when he left him behind like that.  “Because,” Koushi has to clear his throat and swallow hard before he can continue, the hot sting of tears gritting at the corner of his eyes.  “Because no matter how much it hurt… my best friend is still my best friend and sometimes you just  _ need  _ your best friend even if they’re the reason you’re hurting.”

“Koushi.”  Daichi takes a deep breath and shakes his head sadly.  “I’m sorry.”

He lets Daichi’s words sink in, lets them roll around in his mind and his gut, sifts through them as Daichi continues rolling that bottle of water in his hands.  He finally takes a deep breath and meets Daichi’s eyes.

“I understand that.  But, you know.  I’ve never needed someone to be a knight in shining armor for me.”  Daichi’s face wrinkles in confusion.  “I’ve always been perfectly capable of making my own choices.”

“I know that-”

“And yet,” Koushi continues over him, determined to say his piece and be done with it, especially now that certain memories from before they broke up and things that hadn’t made sense before are startlingly crystal clear, “ _ you _ made the decision to break up before we even really talked about it.   _ You _ left the apartment and left me behind.   _ You _ basically ripped yourself out of my life and didn’t even ask me how I felt about it.  If I wanted you out of my life or not.  You made practically every choice in regards to us breaking up.”  Koushi meets Daichi’s eyes and gives a helpless shrug.  “I didn’t need you to try and protect me, Daichi.  I needed my best friend to just be my best friend.  Even if you were the reason I hurt so much.  I still needed you there.  And now… now I’m not quite sure where you fit into my life.”

Koushi downs the rest of his glass and relishes the burn in his throat.  It matches the burning behind his eyes as he gives Daichi a soft smile and leaves the kitchen.

He’s not too surprised when ten minutes after he leaves - after giving Noya a crushing hug goodbye - he hears Asahi calling out to him.  When Asahi catches up to him on the corner he gives Koushi a knowing smile and bumps his shoulder.

“Wanna crash at my place tonight?”

“That,”  _ isn’t necessary _ , he starts to say but then a wave a weariness and something that feels a little like loneliness washes over him, “sounds pretty good actually.  Thanks.”

It doesn’t take him nearly as long to return to his own apartment this time.  He’s back late in the afternoon the day after Noya’s party and he settles himself on his couch with a mug of tea - this mug is an extremely ugly purple thing that Noya got for him a few weeks ago - and picks a random movie to stare at and lose himself in for a few hours.

  
  


 

October falls to November like sunset into night and Koushi watches as stars blink cautiously into life.

Ryuu and Noya’s laughter would be infectious even if Koushi hadn’t been tipsy.  He watches, endlessly amused, as they giggle into each other and stumble out onto the dance floor in the corner of the bar.  Koushi’s fingers play with the empty pocket of his jacket where his phone should be, mind lingering on the text from Daichi, as he watches them.  It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to Daichi.  Well he does and he doesn’t.  It’s complicated and messy now and he isn’t sure how he’s supposed to be feeling about he and Daichi slowly easing into each other’s lives again.

It’s nothing serious.  Just a text here or there.  Have a good day, hope the weather holds through the week, have you seen the leaves have started to change?  That sort of simple idle chatter that makes Koushi feel unsettled the more he thinks about it.

The raspberry flavored shot that Ryuu had dared him to take - and he had only after daring Ryuu to take one too - sits unhappily in his stomach as he sips whatever Ryuu had bought him and sits at the table with Asahi.

“How do you do it?”  They’re watching their two friends making complete fools out of themselves and it’s only the fact that he had left his phone at home, messages from Daichi still on the screen, that keeps him from taking pictures of them.  Asahi hums questioningly and turns his attention down to Koushi.  Who slumps a little in his seat and runs a thumb through the condensation on his glass.  “How are you two still friends?”

“Because we’ve always been friends.”

That’s… not the answer Koushi was looking for and he frowns a little, giving Asahi a dubious look.

“That makes no sense.”  Koushi can feel the pout on his face but he doesn’t really try to stop it any.  Even when Asahi sighs and shakes his head softly at him.

“We’d been officially dating about a year, ever since Noya graduated, and while we liked the aspects of dating we just felt,” Asahi pauses and lets out a long breath, “well we felt more like we were pressured into it.  Like we were expected to be dating each other and we sat down and talked about it and realized neither of us were really as happy as we should be in a relationship.  So we decided that we’d be better off going back to just being friends before we started getting upset with each other about dumb things and winding up hating each other.”

“That sounds simple.  Easy.”  Koushi takes a long swallow of his drink and wonders if he should finish it and get another one or if Noya and Ryuu planned on going somewhere else still tonight.

“It wasn’t easy.  Talking to him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it had to be our decision.  Not just mine.  Not just his.”  Asahi’s hands clench tight around his glass and Koushi stares at the way his knuckles go white for just a moment before he lets out what sounds like a frustrated sigh and presses his palms to the table.  “It hurt like hell to do and moving out when our lease was up was beyond hard.  But it would have been harder to stay and lose one of my closest friends.  I can respect Daichi for that decision he made but the rest of it just frustrates me.”

That last part didn’t sound like it was meant for Koushi, words muttered into Asahi’s half empty glass, and he doesn’t make any indication that he heard it.

But he did.

How different would things have been if they would have had more discussions?  More than just that original night where they both admitted that things had kind of come to a standstill with them and whatever future they thought they had together just didn’t seem reachable anymore.  Not that it was all Daichi’s fault, Koushi admits to himself with a grimace.  There were attempts, times Daichi had sat down with Koushi that Koushi had simply turned into desperate kisses and burning touches and whimpers and sighs he knew Daichi just couldn’t resist.  Because Koushi couldn’t handle it.  Couldn’t come to terms with it.  Couldn’t be strong enough to talk about it.

He downs the rest of his glass and decides, screw it he’ll have another glass regardless of if they’re leaving soon or not.

Memories of matching coffee mugs and various pieces of them that Daichi left behind taunt Koushi as he slowly works through his second drink.  Things that reminded him of them.  Things that Daichi had tried to ask about, tried to see how Koushi wanted to divide up, before Koushi would pin him to the wall or the couch.

He’s halfway through drink number three when Noya and Ryuu trip back to their table and giggle themselves into their seats and he’s well on his way to hating himself for at least tonight because he can’t figure out just how much of Daichi’s drop out of his life was his own fault and the way he tried to cut Daichi out himself.  How much of Daichi not being there was simply because he didn’t think Koushi wanted him there anymore?

He misses the way Ryuu’s gaze turns sharp and almost sober and the way Noya straightens and they both glance from him to Asahi.  He also misses the small shake of Asahi’s head and the look they all share.

 

He’s coming to terms with his hangover the next morning with Ryuu curled behind him pressing their backs together and Noya nearly hanging off the bed on the other side of him when his phone buzzes, somehow back in his pocket.  He digs it out and scrunches his face as he tries to make sense of the message before he realizes that he needs to unlock the phone before he can even read the message.

Turns out to be from Daichi.

_ Any idea why I got a long string of angry looking emojis from Tanaka last night?  Or this morning?  Whatever time 3AM is considered? _

Koushi whimpers a little as his head throbs.  He shuts off his phone and tucks it under his pillow just as Asahi peeks his head inside.

“I was hoping someone was awake.”  His smile is kind and to Koushi his voice sounds like a heavenly pillow, soft and fluffy and warm and did he mention soft?  “I have to get to work but there’s painkillers and water bottles set out on the counter for each of you.”  His hands are gentle as he runs them over each, probably disgustingly sweaty, head pausing for a moment to repeat the gesture for Koushi.  His fingers curl gently against Koushi’s scalp and he sighs at the light touch.  “Text me when you’re functional and maybe we can do a late lunch.”

Koushi makes some sort of noise that Asahi must take as an affirmative because he smiles that sweet knowing disgustingly sober smile of his and runs his thumb against Koushi’s cheek once before leaving.

None of them make it out of Koushi’s bed before noon and even then it’s just to nab the painkillers and water and relocate to the couch where Ryuu curls around Noya who is on his back with his head on Koushi’s lap.  Ryuu texts Chikara and Noya dozes off to the sound of whatever tv show is on in the background while Koushi simply lets his mind wander in a throbbing haze until the headache starts to wear off and he can look at his phone screen without wincing at the brightness.

_ Awake and in the living room.  Not entirely sure about the functional. _

Asahi won’t even be off work for a couple more hours but Koushi sends the text anyway.  Then he opens up the thread before it with a small sigh, rereading the message a couple times before replying.

_ There was drinking involved last night and sometimes I forget that I have a guard dog in the form of Ryuu.  At least he didn’t growl this time? _

He doesn’t expect either of them to reply but after just a couple minutes he has a new message from Daichi.

_ I don’t know.  I do have a missed call and voicemail from him that I haven’t checked yet. _

_ Seriously? _

_ Yep.  At 2:48 AM. _

Koushi groans and nudges Ryuu with his knee until he looks up from his phone.

“You left Daichi a voicemail?  And sent him a text message filled with angry emojis?”

“I did?”  Ryuu blinks at him before tapping at his phone and then whining.  “I did.”

“At three in the morning?”

Ryuu checks his phone again and nods sheepishly.  

“Hey to be fair we were all pretty drunk at that point and someone usually takes my phone away from me well before then.”

_ I am sorry.  Whatever he says just ignore.  In fact just delete the message if you haven’t already.  You don’t even have to listen to it. _

“Ryuu,” Koushi sighs and wills the last of his headache to go away.  “You’re one of my best friends and I love you but I am an adult.  I can take care of myself most of the time.  This is one of those times now.”

Ryuu nods.  “I know.”  He curls a little tighter around Noya who mutters something and sniffles, eyes never opening.  “But he hurt you.  A lot.  And I just have a hard time with that.”

“I understand.  But growling at him and leaving him angry messages on my behalf isn’t going to make things better.  I just.  Need you to do what you’ve been doing.  Being there for me.  Making idle threats that make me laugh.  Taking shots of raspberry crap with me that I can’t believe you talked me into.  Again.”

_ It’s okay Suga.  I’m sure I deserved to be called a melted popsicle with a broken stick.  Even if I don’t entirely get what that means. _

“‘A melted popsicle with a broken stick’?”

Ryuu groans in recognition of his words and buries his face in Noya’s shoulder, who finally rouses and groans at the dim light of Koushi’s living room.

“I was drunk.”  Ryuu’s voice is muffled by Noya’s shoulder and Koushi can’t help but laugh.  Softly.  His head is still borderline frazzled and woobly.  “This is why I don’t get to keep my phone that long when I’ve been drinking.”

Koushi thinks back on the night before as he makes himself tea after Noya and Ryuu have left.  He stares at the steam rising from the green mug and lets his thoughts wander.

Would things have been different if he had just stopped running and hiding from Daichi?  Would he have managed to not spend half his year in a haze void of most emotion?  Would he have snapped so hard when he finally saw Daichi in August?

He doesn’t know and there’s not a lot he can really gain by dwelling on it.  The past is the past after all.

It’s not like they would have gotten back together after that even if they had stayed best friends.  They had always kind of burned too brightly for each other, he realizes as he settles against the counter and sips his tea.  Too sure that they belonged together forever, that they were soulmates and whatnot, to even be wary of a future where they weren’t.  Too caught up in each other to notice their foundations crumbling until the walls had cracks all they way up and the ceiling started crumbling.  Daichi too sure, too strong, too ready to sweep Koushi up and hide him away from the world.  Koushi too flexible for him, too willing to be pampered, too ready to hide himself from everything.

Looking back he can see that their high school level, and way, of doing things couldn’t last.  That they just burned themselves out on each other.  Each making ridiculous compromises simply for the easy novelty of being together with someone who knew all their secrets and the security that came with it.

But they’re not high schoolers anymore.  They have jobs and bills and live on their own.

Koushi doesn’t need a high school romance anymore.  Doesn’t need a relationship built on the simple act of seeing each other all the time that bred comfortable familiarity that they both pretended was never-ending love.

If he wants romance - and that’s a big if right now - he wants steady.  A relationship built on  _ not _ seeing each other nearly every single day for years but still knowing they have each other no matter what.  He wants the friendship like he had with Daichi, that closeness and intimateness, but he doesn’t want to be just part of a set.  He doesn’t want to be seen as just half of a whole.

Koushi drains the last of his tea and sets the mug down on the counter next to two others - he’ll have to remember to do dishes soon - before heading to the bathroom for a shower.

  
  


 

December is a blur.

It’s not the grey void of emotionlessness that the beginning of the year’s blur was.  This one is full color and sound.  Koushi is here for every moment of it but it’s still the middle of the month before he even realizes it and he’s tucked into the corner of Noya’s couch with Chikara and Noya spread over the rest of it working on their plans for their traditional Asahi and Daichi’s birthday and New Year combined party.

“We should honestly just do a huge party one of these years.”  Koushi shrugs when they look at him.  “I mean Kageyama’s birthday is the 22nd and yours,” he points to Chikara, “is the 26th.  Then Daichi’s is the 31st and Asahi’s is the 1st.  And I’m sure there’s bound to be a cat with a birthday somewhere in there too.  They always seem to be tucked in the middle of our stuff.”

“Maybe next year,” Chikara laughs.  “It’s a little too late this year.”  He hops up and heads into the kitchen.  “Anyone else want something to drink?”  Koushi hears him digging out the stuff for tea and he laughs when Noya rolls his eyes.

“No really, Chika.  Make yourself at home in there.  Not like it’s my apartment or anything,” he mutters as he turns to shake his head at Koushi.

“Too bad we can’t do it at Asahi’s place.  He has a really nice apartment.  It’d be a great place to have it.”

“Yeah he always says how big it is.”

Koushi hums in agreement, only giving Noya’s suggestive eyebrow wiggling a small laugh.  Then Noya’s words catch up and he frowns.

“‘Says’?  You’ve been there to see it.”

Noya laughs at the potential double entendre and then crinkles his nose at him in seriousness, shaking his head slowly.  “No.  No one has.  It’s like his safe place or whatever.”

“Safe place?”

“Yeah after he and I broke up he said he needed space.  No friends or family hanging around.  No one to pressure him into anything.  Someplace that was just his.  Like his own little sanctuary or something.  He said it made things easier to handle for him when he had someplace that wasn’t filled with memories of other people or something.”  Noya shrugs and answers a text on his phone.  “I don’t think any of us have been inside.  He usually just meets whoever at whatever thing they’re doing.  Heck I’ve only been in the building once when he was running late and I still just met him by the front doors.”

Koushi’s mind flies back to all the times since August that he’s been to Asahi’s apartment.  The nights spent asleep on his couch.  The hours spent wandering through the rooms while Asahi was at work.  The afternoons spent watching tv with Asahi and cooking supper with him.

“He always used to meet Daichi and I wherever we were going and I never really thought enough of it to ask why.”

“Well that’s why.”

 

Koushi doesn’t really dwell on it the rest of the days leading up to the party but it does hover along the edges of his mind as he picks out gifts and helps buy decorations and send reminder messages for who needs to bring what to Noya’s apartment.  Tiny little thoughts about why Asahi let him into his supposed sanctuary.  Why Koushi of all people got to be let in that close to Asahi.  What exactly did it mean?  Did it mean anything?  Or was it simply Asahi knowing Koushi needed a quiet safe place to hide away from the world and Asahi could provide it?

The party goes off without a hitch.  He and Ryuu come across a bottle of raspberry flavored alcohol of some kind in Noya’s cupboard a few hours into the party and they simply share a look of dismay with each other, eyes comically wide, and shove it to the back of the cupboard.  It’s safest for them that way.  Them and raspberry alcohol always seems to involve waking up the next morning hungover and disgusting feeling.  Koushi gives both Asahi and Daichi a gift, like he’s always done, and settles himself on the couch with a glass of something he let Chikara mix up for him.

He doesn’t mean to spend so much time watching Asahi but after Noya’s comments about no one being let into the apparent sanctuary that is Asahi’s apartment - something he never knew - he can’t help but wonder what else he doesn’t know about his high school friend.  He realizes that he doesn’t even know if tonkotsu ramen is still his favorite or if people still think he’s a gang member.  If Asahi still gets nervous when someone knocks on his door and he’s not expecting guests or if he still startles enough to drop things when someone surprises him.  He thinks back to that first day where he spent the afternoon curled up against Asahi’s side with Asahi’s arm around him and realizes he never did figure out just when Asahi got so comfortable with physical contact.

“See something you like?”

Koushi’s not sure what startles him more: Daichi’s sudden appearance and voice near his ear or what he’s implying as he gives Koushi a smile and glances towards Asahi.

“What?  No.  What are you talking about.”  Koushi hopes that Daichi will assume the flush of his cheeks is from the drink in his hand and not because of what Daichi seems to be implying.  Whatever that is.

The look on Daichi’s face crushes that hope.

“You’ve been staring at him for ten minutes.”

“Have not.”

“Have too.”

Koushi can feel the flush creeping down his cheeks to his neck.  “How would you know anyway?  Have you been watching me the last ten minutes?”

“No,” Daichi settles himself back on the couch, just close enough for Koushi to feel the warm from him but not close enough to touch.  “I’ve been talking to him for the last ten minutes and at first I thought you were staring at me.  Then I realized you didn’t look angry enough to be staring at me.”

“I was not staring at him.  And I’m not angry at you.”  He feels the need to add a quick, “Anymore,” when Daichi raises his eyebrows.  “Not really.  I was just,” Koushi takes a deep breath and gives Daichi a glare, “thinking.”

“Thinking?”  Koushi nods.  “About Asahi?”

“Yes.  But not the way you’re implying.”  He’s not trying to sound defensive but he’s confused by all the thoughts running around in his head and the alcohol isn’t helping much and Daichi is giving him that disgustingly fond look he used to give him all the time when Koushi was being dense about things and it frustrates him as much now as it did back in high school and now that he’s thinking about it, it probably totally looked that way and shit, what if someone else saw?

“No, Suga.  It’s okay.”  Daichi smiles softly at him and Koushi wonders if Daichi’s a little tipsy too because he’s not making much sense.  “If you are thinking about him that way.  Or anyone, really.  You should be happy.  You deserve to be happy.  With whoever you choose to be happy with and whoever chooses to be happy with you.  Be it Asahi or anyone else.”  Daichi smiles at him and leans in close and for a moment Koushi’s sure he’s about to kiss him and his eyes go wide in a momentary panic until Daichi’s voice comes out soft, like he’s sharing a secret.  “It’s kind of selfish of me but that’s my birthday wish and New Year’s wish this year.  For you to be happy and to be able to move on.”

“Damn it Daichi,” Koushi mutters as his eyes grow warm and he scrubs at them with the back of his hand.  What the hell was he supposed to say to that?

The chatter of the party rises in volume and Koushi blinks in confusion until everyone cheers and he spots the clock hitting midnight.

A chaste kiss is pressed to his temple.

“Happy New Year, Suga.”


	3. Chapter 3

January is when it ends.

A week into the new year he opens the cupboard in the early morning light, shivering a little in his faded Karasuno sweatshirt with Daichi’s words from the party lingering in his mind.  They’ve been in his head, floating around in the murky corners, ever since then.  Waking or sleeping they hover around him like flitting fluttery little gnats buzzing at him.

 

_ You should be happy.  You deserve to be happy. _

 

Koushi frowns.  Of course he does.  Everyone deserves to be happy.  So why the hell is he so damn fixated on those words?  It’s not like they’re profound words of wisdom that he should get cross-stitched on a pillow or anything.  

He reaches for a mug as he heats up water for some tea and freezes with his hand hovering between two choices: the large blue one with white stripes along the rim he bought at the cafe he and Asahi went to over the summer and one of the off-white ones Daichi left behind.

 

_ With whoever you choose to be happy with. _

 

His hand starts to shake as he remembers all those days he spent curled up and alone.  All the times over the last year he felt like he was the missing piece to a matched set that no one wanted.  All the tears and broken sobs and raspy throats he got because he just couldn’t get past it.

All the time he spent without his best friend, or any of his friends, because he couldn’t move forward.

And now…

Koushi is done with it.  It’s over.

He never needed Daichi’s permission to move on with his life and be happy.  But something about the words and the fond tone of his voice and the way he had given Koushi that soft smile makes him feel like whatever happens will be okay.

His fingers curl around smooth ceramic and he takes a moment to remember when they got the off-white mugs.  He and Daichi had been so happy, finally able to move in together and pick out dishes and mugs and glasses and pots and pans of their very own.  They had spent the day unpacking and washing their new stuff, laughing and nudging each other out of the way with their hips.  He smiles when he remembers Daichi pouting when Koushi splashed soapy water at him.

Then Koushi swipes his fingers forward and watches as the mug falls out of the cupboard, hits the edge of the counter, and shatters on the floor.  Off-white chunks flying in all directions as he stares down.  His eyes drift across the mess on the floor and back up to the other mug; no longer a part of a matched set and sitting there amongst his other colorful mugs.

He’s not part of a set, hasn’t been for a year.  He’s not the off-white reminder of what he and Daichi had anymore either.  He’s blue sky days at the cafe with Asahi, polka dotted starry nights at the bar with Noya, dark purple evening thunderclouds on the couch with Ryuu, pastel early morning shopping trips with Chikara.  He’s a rainbow of colors and experiences that make up who he is now.

He pulls the second off-white mug from the cupboard and rolls it in his hands.  The ceramic is smooth and cool under his fingers and he remembers a year ago watching Daichi pulling one of these mugs out and setting it on the counter and having that little whisper in the back of his mind that something wasn’t quite right between them.

 

_ It’s kind of selfish of me but that’s my birthday wish and New Year’s wish this year. _

 

Koushi calmly smashes the other mug on the floor.

No one rushes in to check on him.  No worried voice calls out from the other room to ask if he’s alright.

 

_ For you to be happy and to be able to move on. _

 

He is, though.  He’s alright.

 

Koushi cuts his fingers a few times cleaning up the ceramic and naturally Asahi fusses over him when he sees him later that day.

“It’s really nothing,” Koushi says with a smile as Asahi grabs his wrists and inspects the bandages on them.  “Some old mugs of mine got broken and I had to clean up the mess.”  Asahi’s fingers tighten on his wrist for a moment and Koushi can feel his pulse rabbiting.  He can feel Asahi’s eyes on him so he looks up and meets Asahi’s gaze with a smile.  He knows that Asahi knows what mugs he has and what he considers his “old mugs” and some of the memories and meanings behind them.  “I’m okay,” he assures Asahi.  “Really.”

After a minute Asahi sighs and smiles at him, thumb rubbing against Koushi’s wrist.  “I’m glad you’re okay.”

Daichi’s teasing  _ See something you like _ pops into Koushi’s head as Asahi drops his wrist and turns to head inside the restaurant where they were meeting Kiyoko for her belated birthday dinner.  He sticks his head back outside with a concerned frown when Koushi doesn’t immediately follow.

Koushi does not entirely understand the reason his face flushes when he spots the frown.

Or maybe he does and he’s just not ready for that yet.

  
  


 

February is when he wakes up alone.

After a year of waking up alone save for a handful of fuzzy mornings with Ryuu and Noya and occasionally Asahi, Koushi is used to it.  He’s used to the cool spread of sheets beside him and the emptiness of his bed.  Used to one toothbrush on his sink and one kind of shampoo on the edge of the tub.  Used to his favorite foods in the cupboards and his sweatshirts tossed on the couch.

He still has moments, pangs of sadness that slip over him when he doesn’t quite expect it, but he can hear Daichi’s favorite song on the radio without wanting to break down and cry and he can come across Daichi’s preferred brand of soup without his hands shaking.

“First loves aren’t easy to get over,” Asahi says, stretching out on Koushi’s couch, “believe me I understand that.”

Even though he’s used to it and he’s in such a better place compared to a year ago Koushi’s glad he’s not alone right now.  It’s hard to see all the Valentine’s Day stuff up, see all the couples laughing softly with their hands tangled together as they stroll along the red and pink storefronts and not feel a little bitter about it.

“Thanks for this, Asahi.”  Koushi gives him a smile and tries to say how thankful he is it.  How glad he is to have not just a friend here with him but one who knows what he’s going through, who has experience with this kind of break up and getting on with life sort of thing.  He’s pretty sure that if he tried to express it in words they would clog his throat and choke him.

“Of course.”  Asahi shrugs as best as he can against the couch cushions.  “I don’t really make plans for today anymore anyway.  Plus it’s much more enjoyable to be here with you than the alternative.”

“What’s that?  Being alone?”  Koushi teases.  “That’s not exactly saying much.”

“No.  Getting drug along and playing wingman for Noya at the bar.  Again.”  Koushi’s not sure what kind of face he makes at that but Asahi laughs and drags a hand across his face and through his hair.  “I know.  I know.  Playing wingman for your ex-boyfriend seems like an odd thing.”

“‘Odd’ is putting it lightly.”  Koushi settles himself on the end of the couch between Asahi’s shins and rests his cheek on the blanket bundled in his lap.  “How can you even do that?  I mean I know you two haven’t been together for years now but how is it so easy for you two?”

Asahi sighs and moves his legs as Koushi wriggles until they’re both comfortable.

“I told you.  It’s not easy.  Not exactly.  I mean there’s a part of me that will always love Noya.  No matter what.  And part of that has me wanting to keep him to myself.  But most of it is wanting him to be happy, you know?  And us together romantically wasn’t doing that.  Do I get a little jealous sometimes?  Yeah.  Does it suck to see him flirting with some random person at a bar once in awhile?  Yeah.  But he’s having fun and he’s happy and if nothing else being there with him lets both of us feel a little better that he’s not gonna go home with some random dangerous person and wind up in a dumpster somewhere or something.”  Koushi tries to imagine watching Daichi flirting with someone at a bar, watching him laugh and lean in close and charm a stranger.  “In the end he’s still one of my closest friends and I just want him to be happy.”

“Daichi told me at the party he wants me to be happy.”  Asahi squeezes him gently with his legs to show he’s listening.  “Said he wants me to be able to move on and be happy.  Then he kissed my forehead.”  The little thought that’s been pecking at the back of his mind since that moment suddenly becomes clear and he laughs - a little bitterly but he knows Asahi won’t judge him for it - at the sudden realization of his loss.  The sudden settling of thoughts that he hadn’t been able to pin down until just now makes his stomach drop.  “He kissed my forehead and I didn’t feel anything.  It was like Ryuu or Noya kissing my forehead.  I wasn’t upset or happy.  I didn’t feel mad or confused or have my heart speed up.  I didn’t-”  Koushi chokes a little on his breath and wipes almost angrily at his eyes.  He can feel Asahi watching him, patiently waiting for him to say whatever he needs to say.  “I didn’t feel  _ anything  _ about it, Asahi.  What… what does that mean?”

“It means you’ll be okay, Suga.  You’re moving forward.”  Koushi snorts and gives Asahi a teary-eyed stare.  “Or at least you’ll be fine when you’re ready to start.”

“And how will I know when that is?”

The words are a whisper half buried in his blanket but Asahi answers anyway.

“Knowing you?  You’ll be halfway there before you even realize it.”

Koushi shakes his head and drops his cheek to his blanket again, watching Asahi watch him.

“When did you stop overthinking everything and get to so calm?”

  
  


 

March, Koushi decides, is pretty much the asshole month of his life.

The entire first week he spends in a hazy daze that reminds him too much of the previous year.  Only this time it’s thanks to whatever strain of hell-flu is making its rounds at work.  He wakes up sweaty and tangled in sheets more often than he sleeps and his dreams are the kind of nightmares that can only happen thanks to the fever wrecking him.  The second week is spent catching up on the sleep and work hours he missed the first week.

He’s staring blearily at his kitchen counter, drinking orange juice from a bright red mug because he hasn’t had the energy to wash dishes for a week, when his phone buzzes with a text message.

_ I got tickets for that basketball game this Friday.  You want to come with? _

It takes a moment for Koushi to register what Asahi’s text means.  Partially because he’s still a little groggy from being sick for a week and partially because he and Asahi never went to basketball games.  Asahi and Daichi used to go a lot but basketball was never really one of Koushi’s interests.

_ Aren’t you asking the wrong person Asahi?  Isn’t this more something you’d be inviting Daichi to? _

A few months ago saying that, even in text form, would have hurt more.  Would have made his eyes water as he stood in the shower and rinsed the shampoo from his hair imagining Daichi out having fun while Koushi is miserable.  And it does send a pang of sadness through him but it doesn’t knock him to his knees.  It simply makes him sigh a little as he dries his hair and wonder at what they might have been able to have if they had ever managed to make it out of their high school romance level of whatever they had between them.

_ I could invite him but I’m asking you because I was hoping you’d like to go with me. _

Koushi types out a response and sends it before he really even thinks about it and tosses his phone next to him on the couch.  Then he scrambles for it and pulls the conversation back up when what he just sent registers in his mind.

_ That sounds like you’re asking me on date Azumane Asahi. _

It’s teasing and dumb and the sort of thing you send as a flirty joke to a friend but a tiny part of him wonders if it’s too much.  He remembers Asahi blushing and flustered every time someone made jokes like that to him back in high school and the last thing Koushi wants is to make one of his oldest friends truly uncomfortable.  Before he can panic and do something dumb like hide his phone - and himself - away Asahi’s response pops up and Koushi’s stomach takes a weird twirling dive.

_ That would probably be because I am Sugawara Koushi. _

Wait.  Koushi worries his lower lip between his teeth.  Seriously?

_ Wait.  Seriously? _

Koushi can picture Asahi rubbing at his jaw and scratching at the back of his neck a little nervously as he figures out what to say next.  His phone buzzes as he imagines the blush rising across Asahi’s cheeks and the back of his neck and then it buzzes a second time as he reaches for it.

_ Yes seriously. _

_ Sugawara Koushi would you go out on a date with me Friday? _

 

Friday afternoon is here before Koushi realizes it and he trudges back from work with a swarm of butterflies in stomach that seem to keep escaping and beating at the inside of his ribs and he shuts the door of his apartment and pauses when it finally sinks in.

He’s going on a date with Asahi in a couple hours and he’s nervous about it.  Like stupidly nervous.

His heart keeps speeding up as he takes a shower and dries himself off.  His hands feel clammy while he digs through his dresser and closet and tires to decide what to wear.  He keeps biting at his lower lip and worrying it between his teeth while he searches through his cupboards for a box of crackers or bag of candy to munch on while he waits for the minutes to creep by.

He’s a little embarrassed to admit to himself just how long he spent picking out an outfit that was just right.  It was just Asahi and they were just going to a basketball game but Koushi had spent ten minutes debating between different pairs of jeans and nearly half an hour deciding between a long sleeved t-shirt or a regular t-shirt and jacket.

He’s not even entirely sure why he’s nervous.  Sure he hasn’t had a ton of experience dating different people but he and Daichi had dated for years.  Plus it’s not like he’s going out with a stranger.  It’s just Asahi.  They’ve technically gone out together to places plenty of times so really this isn’t that much different.  There’s no reason to be nervous.

He manages to convince himself of that until he spots Asahi waiting for him outside the center the game is being played in.  Asahi with his stupid hair pulled back in a ridiculously casual bun all relaxed and leaning against the wall in a long sleeved shirt that makes him unfairly attractive looking as he checks something on his phone and Koushi can feel that swarm of butterflies beating relentlessly at his ribs, bouncing off his lungs and fluttering into his stomach.  Asahi glances up and smiles when he spots Koushi.

The world tilts a little funny for a moment as Koushi comes to the sudden realization that he can’t remember the last time he was this giddy nervous excited over the prospect of just going out to something.  He can’t remember the last time seeing Daichi waiting for him and smiling at him when he showed up made his stomach jump in excitement.  He can’t remember how long it had been since the sight of Daichi had left him breathless and made his fingers shake a little with the urge to reach out and touch.  Sometime back in high school probably.  Back when they stole kisses in the clubroom and shared heated looks in the gym.  Back when thoughts of the future and forever never seemed to need to extend past their mid-twenties.

 

Koushi scrunches his nose at the roar of the crowd.  It’s not that the noise bothers him, sure it’s different in the stands than it was on the court back in high school, but he’s having trouble figuring out what all is happening and each time the stands around him erupt in a cheer of excitement he feels more and more like he’s completely lost.  It’s not that it’s boring or anything either.  It’s just that he probably only ever went to one or two basketball games in high school and he doesn’t have much more than the general gist of the rules and strategies and the flow of the game that everyone around him seems to be picking up on.

Asahi leans away after finishing explaining some to Koushi for the third time in ten minutes and grabs his bottle of water, offering it to Koushi when he notices Koushi watching him.  Koushi shakes his head and sighs.

"You'd probably have more fun if Daichi was here so you wouldn't have to explain everything."

Asahi’s eyes widen a little and then they go soft and fond.

"No.”  He laughs and Koushi wonders when that laugh started making his fingers feel jittery and his breath catch in his throat.  “I'm having plenty of fun right now.”  His smile is stupid and ridiculous and it warms Koushi, sending a flush along his cheeks and settling a warm ember in his chest.

 

It’s the last week of March, nearly a week since he and Asahi went on their date, and Koushi can still feel the way Asahi’s fingers felt when he slid them between Koushi’s and leaned in close to explain something at the game.  What he explained Koushi can’t even remember, couldn’t have repeated it even a minute later, because the way Asahi’s fingers pressed against the back of Koushi’s hand, the way Asahi’s cheeks had flushed nervously and his palm felt damp even though his fingers were steady and strong, the way Asahi had smiled at Koushi when Koushi curled his fingers against Asahi’s hand had pretty much shorted out Koushi’s brain.

But now he can’t get away from that niggling thread of guilt hooked in his mind that they overstepped some boundary.  That after being with Daichi for so long going out with Asahi now was wrong somehow.  A betrayal of their friendship or something.  He’s not sure how considering they were all friends when he and Daichi started dating in high school but he just can’t shake those cold slimy fingers of guilt trailing down his spine.  So he picks up his phone and sends a text.

 

_ I went on a date with Asahi. _

 

His phone rings less than three minutes later as he’s digging out a box of crackers and a glance at the screen shows him that it’s exactly who he expects it to be.

 

**_Daichi_ ** **_(≧ロ≦)_ **

 

“One: I am going to need more details.  Two: put the crackers away so I can understand you.  Three: I thought you weren’t thinking about him in the way I was implying?”

Koushi frowns and munches loudly on a couple crackers out of spite before shutting the box and setting it aside for the moment.

"One: I don’t kiss and tell.  Two: shut up.  Three: aren't you upset or weirded out that I went on a date with basically our closest high school friend other than each other?"

“You kissed him?”

“No,” Suga hisses.  “I meant it as in I’m not giving details not that we-” Daichi’s laughter filters in and Koushi growls when he realizes Daichi is teasing him.  “Oh my god I hate you so much right now.”

“No you don’t,” Daichi replies.  “A year ago you hated me.  Now?  Now you need me to reassure you that I was telling the truth on my birthday.”

Koushi opens his mouth to say something about how he never hated Daichi but in the end he doesn’t say anything.  Because for a little while he had.  He had hated how easily he had crushed Koushi’s heart and left him to pick up the pieces.

“Suga?”  Daichi’s voice is soft and careful and part of Koushi wants to rear back and growl at him at how cautious he sounds.  But Daichi is still one of his oldest friends and the part of Koushi that just wants to keep moving forward is almost desperate to have that back.

“Yeah?”  He asks instead of snapping at Daichi.

"Did he ask you out?"

"Yes."

"Did you want to go out with him?"

Koushi thinks back to the way his fingers had hovered over his phone as he reread Asahi’s messages a dozen times before finally saying yes.  The way his stomach had coiled in excitement as the day drew closer.  The nervous way he had dug through his clothes to find just the right outfit.

"Yeah,” he admits.

"Did you have fun?"

"Yes."

"Then I'm fine with it."  That hook of guilt is still in his mind, wriggling and tugging against his thoughts, and it’s like Daichi knows it because he keeps talking.  “I meant what I said, Koushi.”  Hearing his given name snaps his attention and Koushi stills as he listens to Daichi, trying to pick up on even the smallest hint of a lie in his words.  “I want you to be happy.  I want you to be able to move on and keep living your life.  I want you to go and have fun.  Go on dates.  Fall in love again someday.  Just because we wound up not being for forever doesn’t mean you can’t try again.”

“Even if it’s with Asahi?”

“As you so pointedly told me at Noya’s birthday, you are perfectly capable of making your own choices.  If that choice is Asahi then it’s Asahi.  I can’t promise it won’t feel awkward the first few times we all see each other, if you would want to hang out at all, but I can promise that if you’re happy then that’s what matters.”

Koushi feels tears burning at the corner of his eyes and he takes a shaky breath as Daichi’s words sink in and snap the hook of guilt from his mind.

“When did you get to be such an adult?”

Daichi’s laugh makes Koushi’s heart beat heavy in his chest with a thud of nostalgia.  It makes him feel like he did the last time he visited his parents and wandered through the neighborhood; a strange feeling of the loss of time mixed with the knowledge that it will always be a part of him no matter where he goes and who he becomes in the process.

“I think we both grew up more in the last year than we did in the other nine years since high school.”

  
  


 

April has him on edge.

He wakes up feeling like he’s on the edge of a gaping canyon that he can’t see the bottom of and he can’t seem to shake that feeling of waiting.  Waiting for disaster to strike.

Because he’s happy with Asahi.

They go out to movies and to dinner and to the bar a few times and while they had done it all countless times before it feels different now.  There’s a sharper edge to everything and each of Asahi’s smiles and casual touches and glances in Koushi’s direction builds and builds and builds until he feels like he’s ready to snap.

It can’t be this simple can it?

A year ago he was barely dragging himself through life trying to get a handle on how he was going to have a future without Daichi beside him and now… now he’s laughing at the way Asahi’s face scrunches into some form of disbelief and slightly frightened wonder at whatever concoction Ryuu just slid in front of him - Ryuu is determined to cook Chikara a nice meal for their anniversary and has been invading Koushi’s kitchen almost every day for the last two weeks with attempts at various meals.  

Koushi is laughing at Asahi’s face and when Asahi turns to give Koushi a pleading look when Ryuu turns away Koushi’s laughter dies out.  Because he wants to kiss that dumb look off of Asahi’s face and feel Asahi’s scruffy beard against his skin.  He wants to step up next to Asahi and slide his arms around Asahi’s neck and tug him down into a kiss and his brain is having trouble processing that he wants to kiss someone who isn’t Daichi and that it’s okay to want that.

“Suga?”

Ryuu looks over his shoulder at Asahi’s concerned tone and Koushi shakes his head with a soft laugh.

“Sorry just distracted.  Also wondering what, ah, exactly Ryuu made here.”

“Hey now it’s not that bad!”

Asahi slips his hand into Koushi’s under the table and they share a smile that has Ryuu sputtering and muttering to himself about his ungrateful friends as he turns back to the stove.

 

“Ryuu you’ll be fine,” Koushi sighs.  He’s spent the last forty minutes talking Ryuu through his dinner making plans, listening as Ryuu goes step by step and reminding him of little things like spices and remembering to grab oven mitts before taking anything out of the oven.  “Even if something doesn’t turn out Chikara will love it.”

“Ugh I know,” Ryuu whines.  Koushi can picture him scrubbing at his head in frustration and worry.  “I just.  This is a big deal to me.”  He mutters out a curse and Koushi sighs again.

“Did you touch the pan?”

“Maybe.”  Ryuu’s voice is muffled, like he’s sucking on an almost burnt finger.  “Okay I need something to distract me for a little bit.  So.”

“So?”

“You and Asahi?”

Koushi can feel the blush flooding his cheeks and he buries his head in his elbow.  “Can we pick a different distraction?”

“Nope.”  Ryuu sounds far too gleeful.  “Chika will be here in less than a half hour and I need something to distract me enough to keep me calm.  And you haven’t said more than a dozen words about whatever is going on between the two of you and I need details.”  He pauses a moment.  “If you want to share that is.  You know I won’t pressure you.”

“There really aren’t any details Ryuu.  We’ve gone on a few dates.  Held hands a bit.  Cuddled on the couch.  It’s nothing grossly spectacular.”

Ryuu hums.  “Are you happy with ‘nothing grossly spectacular’?”

“Other than the fact I’m slowly crawling into ‘I want to kiss his stupid face’ territory yeah.”  Koushi flops onto his back and stares at the ceiling, tracing patterns that aren’t there with his eyes as Ryuu laughs at him.  “It just, I dunno, feels weird to have these thoughts about someone who isn’t Daichi you know?”

“Not from personal experience, seeing as how I never had thoughts like that about Daichi, but yeah I can get what you’re saying.”  Ryuu hums again and then clears his throat.  “Hey, Suga.  How are you?”

“Huh?  What do you mean?  Everything’s fine now.”

“Yeah.  But I don’t mean how are you and Daichi or you and Asahi.  You know.  Just.   _ You _ .  How  _ are _ you Suga?”

“I,” Koushi pauses as Ryuu’s meaning sinks in.  How is he as an individual.  Not part of a relationship.  Not half of a set.  Just himself.  Sugawara Koushi.  “I’m a lot better.  Hard to believe it’s been almost a year and a half.  I feel… I feel more like myself than I can remember feeling for a long time.”

“That’s good!”  Ryuu hisses and Koushi can hear someone talking in the background, most likely Chikara.  “Shit I gotta go.  Have fun, Suga.  Go on more dates and kiss our giant glass hearted ace if you want to.  I’m sure he’ll be more than okay with it.”

“Thank you, Ryuu.”

“Anytime.”

 

That feeling like he’s on the edge of a slowly crumbling canyon is still there and he lets his mind drift.  He wasn’t lying at all.  He really is happy now.  A year ago he never would have imagined that he could be happy ever again and he still has moments where he stops in the middle of something and wonders where he might be now if he and Daichi had talked sooner.  If they had both admitted the dark thoughts lingering in their minds.

Because now he can admit to himself that he had his doubts those last few months too.  That he had tiny pinpricks of thoughts about how their relationship felt stagnant.  Like they had never really gotten past high school and any time Koushi had tried to think about the future, their future, he had drawn a depressing blank.  He could never see them moving out of the apartment.  Could never see them getting a house or moving to another city.  Couldn’t see them traveling anywhere.  Couldn’t see vacations or a home slowly filling with trinkets and mementos of their later years.

Even the last couple years together, now that he thinks about it, were filled with memories and mementos not of what they did then but of what they had back in high school.  No recent movie tickets or vacation photos.  No trinkets from parties or frames filled with recent memories.  Everything was from their first year or two out of high school at the latest.  They were stuck in the past with what they used to have together.

Now Koushi looks around and sees himself in the present.  He sees pictures from Noya’s birthday party tucked into picture frames, tickets and menus from places he and Asahi have gone scattered on shelves, a ridiculous glass jar he found at a store one day that he thought looked neat that’s now filled with random little trinkets like stones and marbles and paper clips and whatever else he finds that he doesn’t really have a place for.

He’s not stuck anymore.

And honestly, that’s frightening.

 

 

His world comes crashing down in May.

The urge to kiss Asahi's stupid face isn't going away anytime soon, it seems, and Koushi has resigned himself to spending way too much time wondering what it would be like to tug Asahi down by his ridiculous bun and kiss him silly.  It pops into his head when he’s at work.  It sneaks in when he’s doing his dishes.  It lays waiting for him to drop his guard when he gets ready for bed.

Thoughts of Asahi are everywhere and Koushi feels ridiculous for it.  This is worse than his blushing high school crush on Daichi.  Worse than just imagining holding hands walking home and sharing kisses in the club room.  Worse than some vague fantasies of a happily ever after future.  Because this is him wondering what it’s like to wake up in bed curled around Asahi and imagining coming home from work to Asahi stretched out on the couch.  This is him wondering what Asahi might look like in a few more years and if he’d get streaks of grey in his hair and if he would have that almost too long wrapped up in a bun hair when he was an old man.  

This is Koushi actually seeing himself growing old with Asahi in stages.  Not just the single idyllic picture of him and Daichi side by side in comfortable chairs in their 70s, but the slow shift out of their twenties and into their thirties and beyond.  This is him wondering if Asahi wants a house of his own someday and picturing them looking for one, imagining what kind of spaces they could create together.

This is him waking up late one morning with the sun shining in his window and lighting up his bedroom, and the sweatshirt he borrowed from Asahi a month ago and kept forgetting to return to him, and realizing that he was maybe kind of a little bit in love with Asahi.

That thought follows him through the day and it’s still hovering around in his head when his coworker, Yoshikawa, props himself against the counter next to Koushi near the end of their shift and gives him a sunny smile.

“Suga,” he singsongs and Koushi smiles fondly.

“Kiyo.”  Yoshikawa studies him for a moment as Koushi cleans up the counter for something to do.  “As much as I appreciate being admired by you,” Koushi grins at him and then wipes around him, “was there something you needed?”

“You’re happy.”  Koushi blinks a few times, hand stilling on the countertop, fingers tightening in the towel.  “I mean.  I know last year you were having some, uh, personal things going on and a few months ago you seemed better but still kind of out of things.  But now you seem genuinely happy.”  Yoshikawa tilts his head and sighs at what Koushi is sure is a shocked expression on his face.  “You’re easy for me to read, Suga.  Mostly because we’re a lot alike.  But don’t worry no one else ever suspected anything.  And I just, well, I just wanted you to know that you seem happier now and I’m glad to see it.  So whatever you’re doing, or whoever,” he laughs when Koushi chokes on his breath.  “Hey no judgement here,” he adds with an exaggerated wink, “just, for whatever it’s worth, I just wanted you to know that I think you should keep doing whatever it is you’re doing.”

Yoshikawa’s words follow him, lining up with his lingering thoughts of Asahi and amplifying them.  Taking those fleeting moments of worry about his feelings and how others might perceive the fact that he went from being with one of his high school friends to a different friend in the same circle and all of that and simply putting a lid on them and tossing them out.  Because if he was happy - happy and not hurting anyone and not pushing anything on anyone - then why shouldn’t he just let himself be happy?  Why shouldn’t he just take these feelings for Asahi and run with them and see where they lead?  The worst that could happen is that he gets his heart broken again, right?

He laughs as he brushes a few flower petals from his shoulders from the walk home.  Who would have thought he’d make it to a point where he would see having his heart broken, again, would be the worst thing possible?

But the idea still lingers.  Why shouldn’t he just let go and kiss that smile off of Asahi’s face?  If he was lucky he’d manage to kiss a whole new smile into its place.  That particular thought chases him, nips at the heels of Yoshikawa’s words, and tumbles around in Koushi’s mind as he changes into comfortable clothes and debates what to make himself for dinner.  It’s still rolling around when a knock sounds at his door and he feels his stomach jumble in butterflies and knots when he answers it and waves Asahi inside.  It’s there as he motions Asahi to lean down so he can pluck the flower petals from his hair with a laugh and then he pauses.

Instead of gently plucking the petals from Asahi’s hair, Koushi’s fingers seem to take on a life of their own and tangle in those dark strands instead.  He pulls Asahi down and squeezes his eyes shut as their mouths collide.  Asahi lets out a startled noise and Koushi can feel Asahi’s hands fluttering in the air and for a moment he’s worried that he screwed it all up.  That Asahi doesn’t feel the same, or doesn’t want this, and that he’s about to lose his other best friend for months and months and months.

Then Asahi’s hands settle on his hips and his head tilts to the side and what was a clash of mouths and almost uncomfortable press of teeth behind lips and noses squished together is suddenly so much more.  It’s warm and secure.  But it’s not soft the way Koushi had imagined Asahi would be - and oh had he been imagining it a lot lately - not cautious and worried.  Asahi pulls him close and digs his fingers into Koushi’s hips, unafraid of marring his skin it seems.  He catches Koushi’s lower lip between his teeth for a moment, nips at the soft flesh before soothing over it with his own lips.  Koushi’s fingers tighten in Asahi’s hair and Asahi lets out a soft grunt against Koushi’s lips that sends little shocks of awareness through him.  He’s suddenly very conscious of the fact that they’re barely inside his apartment and he’s barefoot wearing an old pair of gym shorts and a faded shirt and Asahi is dressed in his work clothes with his shoes still on.  He’s also very aware of the fact that Asahi’s mouth tastes like cherry candies and his lips taste like chapstick and his fingers feel like hot brands through his thin shorts and Koushi just wants Asahi to pull him even closer.

Instead Asahi pulls his head up to pull away and Koushi follows it up onto his toes, following the heady sensation of Asahi’s lips against his own and tugging at Asahi’s hair.  Koushi would be a little embarrassed at the whine he lets out when Asahi pulls away again after a brief press of lips but the way it makes Asahi’s fingers tighten on his hips and makes Asahi’s breath come out in a broken huff soothes any embarrassment.

“Suga.”  The fact that he’s the reason for the rough grate of Asahi’s voice, that he’s the reason for the flush on Asahi’s cheeks and the way his fingers keep flexing against Koushi’s hips like he’s trying hard not to drag him closer makes Koushi’s heart race.  He did this.  He brought Asahi to this edge that he seems to barely be holding on to with a kiss.  A long kiss that still has Koushi breathing heavily but a single kiss nonetheless.

“Asahi.”  He doesn’t try to hide the breathiness of his own voice, the need that is hovering just under the surface and he’s rewarded for it when Asahi’s eyes widen ever so slightly and those fingers dig into his hips yet again.  He never would have thought that the feel of someone’s fingers digging into his hips over layers of clothing could make him feel so powerful and so weak at the same time.

He watches Asahi studying him.  Watches the way Asahi searches his face, searches his eyes, for something.  It suddenly occurs to him that he wants to do this for a long time.  He wants to watch Asahi.  Wants to take him places and see the expressions on his face.

He doesn’t just want some generic cookie cutter future with Asahi that’s blurred at the edges and tiny snippets of them with grey hair and wrinkles.  He wants to have a life with Asahi.

 

 

June brings him peace.  

 

For the first time in a long while.

 

He’s sitting at a table with his parents, laughing at some story about a cousin of his that his father has just finished telling, and everything feels right.  Right in a way it hasn’t for a long time.  He blinks down at his plate for a moment and looks up to see his mother smiling at him.  It’s that knowing smile, like she can see everything going on in his head and then some, and then she reaches over and pats his arm.

“Are you sure there isn’t someplace else you’d rather be on your birthday, dear?”

An innocent question.  Perfectly fitting seeing as how he’s turning twenty-nine and he’s at lunch with his parents.  But he can sense that subtle probing under her words.  That hint that she knows he’s seeing someone, is happy with someone, but hasn’t mentioned it yet.

He gives her a smile and shakes his head.  For all that he would love to be wrapped up in Asahi’s arms on the couch today Asahi couldn’t get off work and Koushi understood that.  He was an adult too and they both had their own lives that they had to deal with.

“A bunch of us are getting together this weekend and I have been informed I will not be leaving Noya’s apartment sober.  I may not even be allowed to leave his apartment.”  His mother huffs at him and shakes her head fondly.  “I have also been informed by Daichi that he is confiscating my phone so I can’t call my parents at two in the morning this time and scare them half to death.”

He sees the way his parents’ eyes flicker towards each other.  This is the first time he’s mentioned Daichi to either of them in almost a year.  The first time he’s brought him up in a casual conversation with his parents and it doesn’t feel like his heart is about to burst.  He wonders if his parents are going to mention it.  He knows they still speak to Daichi from time to time.  Still check up on him because that’s just who they are, the kind of parents they are.  But he also knows that they haven’t mentioned it out of respect for him and his feelings.

Just like he hasn’t mentioned that he’s started dating Asahi.

He licks his lips and decides to just get it out all at once.

“Although Asahi says he’s just not going to let me take my phone with at all when he picks me up for our date that night.”

He can see the words register with his parents and he holds his breath because despite how much he tries to pretend he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about his relationship with Asahi these are his parents and part of him will always crave their approval and want their blessing for his life.  

“Asahi is a sweetheart.  Are you sure he can handle the little imp that is my son?”

Koushi feels a wave of relief at his mother’s teasing words, quickly followed by a blush of embarrassment.

“Mother!”

“I remember him,” Koushi’s father pipes up and smiles at him.  “He was always an awfully quiet and nervous kid.  Always wondered how he managed to be friends with you two.”

“Okay, one, I was a good kid.  And so was Daichi.  Two, Asahi is quiet but he can hold his own.  Three, I can’t believe this.  My own parents subtly accusing me of being a problem child.”

“Ah,” his mother laughs, “yes but are you still a problem child?”

Koushi can feel his smile softening and his eyes going a little distant.  But he can’t help it.  Nor can he help the words that slip out.

“No.  We grew up.  We all did.”

 

His birthday party isn’t anything super memorable.  There’s a lot of laughter and teasing and Ryuu gives him a bottle of raspberry vodka that makes them both burst out in giggles that no one else understands.  It wasn’t even as strange feeling as he originally worried it would be when Daichi arrives and Koushi is curled against Asahi’s side on the couch with Asahi’s arm around his shoulder.  Daichi had given him that stupidly fond look, complete with an eyebrow wiggle that was completely unnecessary, and that was it.

It was nice.  Calm despite most of them being far too drunk to be functional and the fact that the entire group - including Daichi - had broken into a cheer that Koushi is surprised didn’t bring the neighbors knocking when Asahi pulled him into his lap and proceeded to kiss him senseless because Noya dared him to.  He woke up the next morning with the expected hangover using Asahi as a pillow on the couch with Daichi curled up in the nearby chair and Noya grumbling on the floor about being kicked out of his own bed and how he was going to kill them if Ryuu and Chikara had gotten up to anything “funny” after they all crashed.

 

 

July settles over him like a damp blanket.

No matter how sure of himself and Asahi he had sounded to his parents at the end of the day he still had his doubts.  He wasn’t entirely sure if it was the fact that they were all friends in school that sometimes sets him on edge and makes him worry or the fact that thanks to all the hints Noya has dropped over the last few months that even he isn’t dense enough to keep ignoring Koushi’s pretty sure Asahi has had a minor crush on him since high school.  He still doesn’t know why he’s the only person, as far as he knows, in their group of friends that has ever been let inside Asahi’s apartment.

No matter how much he’s sure he cares for Asahi, how much he’s come to love him, something still makes him hesitate sometimes.

His fingers trace the marks on his shoulder from a few nights ago, starting to fade into an almost sickly yellow-brown as he presses at them, studying the shape of them in the mirror.  Something still makes him hesitate, still makes him tense when Asahi gets too close.  Not physically.  He has no problems with how close he and Asahi get with their fingers and mouths and bodies, hell sometimes he finds himself wishing they would be even closer.  But the way Asahi is under his skin and in his soul has him off balance.  Like the world is spinning faster and faster and he keeps stumbling and rolling in the other direction.

It was never like this with Daichi.  Not until the end anyway.  It was always comforting to be with Daichi, like a familiar blanket wrapped around him, even in high school when they were all awkward blushes and sweaty hands and fumbling kisses.  The world didn’t spin and whirl and the ground didn’t shift under his feet.  It was steady and warm and safe.  Being with Asahi throws everything into disarray and that scares him.  It scares him even more that he likes it.  He likes that off balance feeling he gets when Asahi looks at him with that small smile of his.  He likes the way his stomach flutters when he slides to sit on Asahi’s lap.  He likes feeling his heartbeat pulsing in his ears when Asahi takes his hand and pulls him along somewhere.  He loves that he knows Asahi well enough to not really be embarrassed by the things they say and do but that he doesn’t know him well enough to know exactly what he’ll do in response to Koushi.

He steps out of Asahi’s bathroom with Daichi and Asahi in his thoughts and a frown on his face and pads down the hall to the kitchen.  A quick glance at the clock above Asahi’s tv shows him that Asahi should be back from work in less than an hour and then they’ll figure out what they’re doing for dinner.

He finds himself staring into Asahi’s cupboard, eyes glazing over as he remembers nights with Daichi.  They’d usually have the same handful of meals throughout the week with leftovers the next few nights.  Then they’d watch tv or goof off on their computers for a bit before showering and going to bed.  Weekends would be going out with friends or watching movies all day.  Grocery shopping was always the same days because they always had time then.  Date nights, if they went out, were always Thursdays.  Everything was so routine with them.  Which wasn’t a bad thing, really, but looking back on it, it reminds Koushi so much of high school that he cringes.  That simple comfortable routine.  Seeing the same people five or six days a week, and sometimes every single day for weeks on end depending on what was happening.  Making friends with people not because you truly enjoyed their company but because it was a way to get through classes.  Having the same routine everyday - breakfast, practice, school, practice, home, shower, homework, bed, rinse and repeat - with the same people in their places - mostly Daichi beside him and Asahi getting drug along - made it easy.

It had been easy to fall into a routine with Daichi.  To upgrade from friendship to more without thinking about it.  When his thoughts had finally decided to make room for something other than volleyball and school, when he had finally decided to allow those urges to come to attention, who better to test the waters with than his best friend?  The same one who seemed just as comfortable with Koushi as Koushi was with him.  

Looking back now he can see that it was never really supposed to have lasted.  Not like it did.  It should have either fizzled out or grown deeper as they got older.  Instead it leveled off not long after it started and basically fell into a rut.  They almost never fought, rarely even disagreed much, at least not to the point where they actually brought it up with the other.  Everything was about keeping the balance.  They had been a perfect couple in high school, the team parents, the ones that everyone could count on for support and of course they loved each other, Koushi doesn’t think he could spend that much time with someone and not love them to some degree, but he’s finally realized something: just caring for someone, loving them, doesn’t make the foundation of a relationship.  Even when it’s combined with respect and even if the sex is great.  Part of him had always been waiting for, looking for, that little push of something else.  That taste of being unsure even when you know the person.  That tremble of nerves when your hands meet and that rush of a little more surges through the contact.

He’s loved Daichi a long time but now he wonders when he stopped being  _ in _ love with Daichi.

Asahi finds him in the kitchen when he gets home, fingers trembling against the countertop as blinks away tears and his thoughts scramble to wrap themselves around the concept that maybe he and Daichi had never really been the perfect couple everyone else thought they were even back in high school.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?”  Asahi pulls away from him enough to study his face for what seems like the tenth time in the last half hour and Koushi sighs.

“Why am I here?”

“Um, because we’re dating?”

“I know.  But why are we here?  In your apartment.  Noya told me months ago, when we were planning your birthday party, that you haven’t let anyone in here since you moved in.  Not even him.  That you basically moved everything yourself so you could have a place that was completely yours.”  He glances up when Asahi settles them back against the couch again.  Koushi snuggles closer with another sigh.  “But ever since that day outside the cafe last summer when I saw Daichi out of nowhere you’ve let me in time and time again.  You took your sanctuary and gave to me.  Why?”

“You needed someplace to go.  Didn’t think you’d want to be bawling in public.”  Koushi stiffens a little and then relaxes.  That was something he’s noticed.  The Asahi now didn’t just blush and fumble around his words when he was confronted with something somewhat uncomfortable.  He didn’t bite back either but he did tend to let his tongue slip and he’d mumble and mutter snips and snaps that he would never have even dared voicing that tiny bit years ago.

“But why here?  Why not just take me back to my place or something?”

“I figured you’d be better someplace without memories of Daichi hovering over you.  That you’d be more comfortable without his presence.  That maybe I could do something for you for once and make you feel better.  And if that took me letting you into my space, my sanctuary, then I would happily do that for you.”

Asahi refuses to look at him, though he still has Koushi tucked against his side and his arm over Koushi’s shoulder.  He looks calm though Koushi can feel the way his deep breaths are slightly ragged, like he can’t quite tamp down the frustration.  Asahi is not one for confrontation, that will likely never change about him and it’s just another piece of him that Koushi has come to re-appreciate over the last year because it just means that when he does speak his mind like this, when he does make a point to talk about something, it’s important.

“Just me?”

“I don’t let just anyone into my space, Suga.  You of all people should understand that.”

He does.  Holy hell does he understand that instinct to keep people at arm’s length.  To let everyone feel close but to rarely actually let anyone in.  He’s not trying to be an ass about it.  Not trying to push Asahi into a corner.  But this feels like something he needs to hear, not just guess.

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”  It’s not a confession whispered in the dark, words hidden in the hush of the air while their teammates are laughing and practicing just a few feet away.  Asahi glances to him and Koushi can see his flushed cheeks and the set of his jaw.  He doesn’t look scared or determined to make Koushi understand.  “I’ve been in love with you a long time it seems and I’ve loved you even longer.”

Koushi knows.  He’s known for a few months.  But to hear Asahi actually say it… Koushi feels goosebumps rising along his arms.

“Since high school?”  He lets out an amused huff at the surprised look on Asahi’s face.  “Noya has hinted a few times that you’ve had feelings for me for a while.”

“Oh.” Asahi’s entire face is pink now but and he holds Koushi’s gaze for a minute before finally looking away.  “Well.  I have, in a way.  Is that what you wanted to hear?”  His words aren’t harsh but there’s a trace of bitterness in them, like he’s waiting for the bad news.

“Is it true?”  He knows.  He knows it’s true.  But that part of him that’s still stuck back in that January day in Daichi’s sweatshirt with that off-white mug in his hand staring at Daichi’s back refuses to let him be.  That part of him that doesn’t quite believe that this can be happening right now because in what world is he not with Daichi?  In what world are Karasuno’s mom and dad not together?

“Why would I lie about being in love with you?”

“I don’t know,” Koushi whispers.  “I’m still just, ugh.  It’s just a lot sometimes.  For the longest time being with Daichi is all I knew.  Being with Daichi is all I really was.  As dumb as that sounds.  And now I’m with you and I just worry that… well I worry.”

“I don’t want you to be anything but yourself.  Or do anything you don’t want.  You know that.”

“Doesn’t it ever seem strange to you?”  He’s not even sure what point he’s trying to make.  Words just keep tumbling from his lips as Asahi stares at him, his suddenly unwavering gaze feeling like it’s burning Koushi.  “That I went from one high school best friend to another?  That the only other person I’ve ever dated is Daichi?  Doesn’t that weird you out at all?”  

"Sug- Koushi.  Listen to me.”  Asahi shifts them until Koushi is basically sitting in Asahi’s lap with Asahi’s hands resting on his hips.  “People will talk.  That’s just something they do.  And someone will let it slip to someone that I’ve had feelings for you for a long time and that we were all friends in high school.”  Koushi tenses.  Those worries had whirled in his mind not that long ago.  Not even worries about himself.  He just doesn’t want Asahi to have to deal with that kind of gossip; he’s far too sweet and kindhearted to have to deal with it.  “I'm not just taking Daichi's leftovers or something no matter what anyone tries to say."  

The vehemence in Asahi's voice startles Koushi a little and he can only stare as Asahi runs a hand through his hair, hair that Koushi has grown used to seeing spread out on his pillows far faster than he ever thought he would, and sighs before settling his hand back on Koushi’s hips.  He wonders what kind of things Asahi has already heard to have this kind of frustration in his voice.  What kind of bullshit has Asahi already gone through?  All because of Koushi.

"And I know that technically I  _ am  _ your second choice because you chose him but I know that you're not with me because I'm some consolation prize.  You're not with me as a backup plan.  You may never love me the way you love him, first loves are thing that are hard to move on from or replace I know.”  

Asahi leans forward and presses their foreheads together and Koushi savors it.  Savors this warmth and closeness because he has a feeling Asahi’s next words will have the kind of weight that could break them apart or pull him under for the rest of his life.  Then Asahi kisses him, slides his fingers under Koushi’s shirt and digs into the soft skin of his sides like he’s reminding himself of what he has.  That Koushi is really here and in his lap and kissing him back desperately.  Desperate to block out the words that Asahi is trying to say and for a moment Koushi almost panics.  Because this is exactly what he did to Daichi when Daichi would try to talk to him all those months and, wow was it really almost years, ago.  It’s hard to pull away from that kiss and he whines a little at the loss of Asahi’s lips even though he’s the one to break the kiss and drop their foreheads back together.

“But  _ you do love me _ ,” Asahi whispers fiercely and Koushi nods, “and I know that.  And that's enough for me right now regardless of what anyone else might think or say."

Something’s caught in his throat as he blinks his eyes open, blinks against the tears trying to fall, and it might be his breath or his words or perhaps even his heart.  It doesn’t matter much because when his mouth opens nothing even tries to come out but a choked sob.

Asahi doesn’t say anything else; just holds him close, lets him sob until he is hoarse and his head throbs in time with his aching heart.  Aching with the loss of what he had and this promise of things to come and all the moments in between.  When Koushi finally pulls his head away from the crook of Asahi's neck Asahi swipes stray tears from his damp cheeks and kisses him so gently that Koushi thinks he might start crying again.

 

 

It’s just a normal day in August when his world comes to a crashing halt.  

 

And then picks right back up again like nothing even happened.

 

_ His hand hovers between two mugs in Asahi’s cupboard with a frown on his face.  The one on the left looks oddly familiar, a large deep blue mug with grey stripes along the top, and the one on the right is some ridiculous looking thing he remembers Hinata giving Asahi as a graduation gift.  Asahi glances up from his breakfast with an almost worried look which is expected since Koushi cut off mid sentence in his quest for a mug for some tea with his own breakfast. _

_ “Something wrong?” _

_ “No.  I just- where did you get this mug?”  He glances over his shoulder with his fingers resting on the cool ceramic and watches a blush crawl across Asahi’s cheeks.  “Asahi?” _

_ “It’s from the cafe you and I went to all the time last summer.  I bought it before they closed for the winter.” _

_ “Why?”  The pink on Asahi’s face deepens to red and Koushi starts smiling almost involuntarily at the reaction.  “You almost never drink coffee or tea.” _

_ Asahi pushes a little food around on his plate for a moment before taking a steadying breath and meeting Koushi’s eyes.  “Because it reminds me of you. _

 

Koushi’s hand hesitates reaching out for his sky blue mug, scene playing in his head as he remembers the way Asahi’s face had turned even redder when Koushi had kissed him nearly senseless after that.  It had been a couple weeks ago but he can’t even look at this mug now without remembering all the times he and Asahi had gone to the cafe and just trying to imagine Asahi going back on his own and asking to buy one of the mugs when he was always so adorably flustered simply ordering a drink makes him smile stupidly.  But Asahi did it.  Just to have something tangible to remind himself of Koushi.

He changes his mind and reaches for the polka dotted mug that Noya bought him, the midnight blue one with the logo for whatever bar Noya had been totally into dragging him to that month, and winces when he hears his mugs shift and tip over, the clattering sounds of ceramic scraping together making him nervous.  Luckily nothing seems to be broken as he rearranges them and carefully stacks them a little more securely.  His fingers brush something at the back of the cupboard and he frowns and he stretches a little further and pulls an off-white mug into view.

It had been a four pack set once upon a time, he remembers that now as he stares at the mug and cautiously lets all the off-white memories surface.  Daichi had knocked the fourth one off the counter one morning when Koushi startled him and they had laughed as they lamented the loss of part of their precious set of mugs.  This third one, the odd one out after that, must have gotten shoved into the back just out of sight and somehow Koushi missed it in his random sweeps of stuff to get rid over over the last year and a half.

He’s happy now, he realizes as he sets the mug back on the shelf and grabs the one from Noya.  Really truly happy in a way he can admit now that he doesn’t think he had been with Daichi for a couple years.

It doesn’t hurt to remember Daichi.  Well it does a little.  But the hurt doesn’t have the impact it used to.  It doesn’t send him to his knees in pain and anger.  It actually feels a little like it does when he remembers Karasuno and volleyball.  A pang of loss surrounded by a hell of a lot of fondness and when his eyes drift back up to that mug, that piece of who he used to be, he actually smiles a little.

“Morning Koushi.”  Asahi shuffles past Koushi and leans heavily against the counter as he watches Koushi making himself tea.

“Good morning, love.”  Koushi smiles and kisses Asahi’s cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on [ tumblr ](http://ezzydean.tumblr.com)


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